One day at a time...

18 months on

2009-03-13T03:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been 18 months now since Sharon passed away. It's been hard. VERY hard at times. Coming to terms with her death, while trying to get back into the swing of things with friends, family and work, not to mention trying to dig myself out of the financial hole that Sharon's illness left behind. But slowly but surely, we're getting there. The boys have been hard work sometimes, at one point I came close to saying "F**k it, you're on your own fellas", due to their selfishness and not contributing, but things are improving, and after all, they are youngsters, with no clue of the real world. Sharon left them in my charge, so it's up to me to show them how to take care of themselves and grow up.

It was Lewis' 18th yesterday. A bit of a sad day, as I remember the way Sharon would spoil you if it was your birthday. If you were birthday boy, you were king for a day. I tried to spoil him, but it's not the same is it. I'm very proud of young Lewis though. Considering the crap he's been through, he's shaping up into a fine young man. Now all he really needs is to get a job!

I've also made a start at having contact with MY son, and I am hoping to rebuild trust with his mother so I can be his dad properly. I made some difficult choices during Sharon's illness, and now I'm starting to pick up the pieces and make things right with those who felt I neglected them while I was caring for Sharon.

So, the healing process continues. I still have black days, when all I can think about is Sharon and what I have lost. But, more often these days, I am rebuilding, moving forward. I know that's what she would have wanted.

Two months on....

2007-09-03T04:28:00.001-07:00

Well, it's two months today since my princess passed away, and to be honest, it's not really much easier. I'm fine when I am out and about with friends or keeping busy, but sitting alone in our bedroom or trying to sleep is hard. Bed's too big without her.

I don't think I will ever really get over Sharon, I love her so much, and although I know I'll never hold her again, it's hard to accept.

I'm going back to work tommorow after being signed off for 2 months, maybe getting back to work will distract me long enough for the pain to heal a little.

She's watching over us....

2007-08-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of crap days, missing Sharon so much, but trying to smile. I went to the doctors today, I think I need some help, it's been a month since she passed away but I just don't seem to be getting my head around it. The doc signed me off from work for a month and has referred me to counselling. Not convinced it will help, but right now anything is worth a go.

I had a strange thing happen to me last week. I was talking to Sharon, as I have done pretty often since she passed away, and I said to her, "come on then Babe, if you really are there watching over us, and there is something after death, prove it. I'll be ok if I know you are still there, but show me a sign, something obvious"

An hour later, her friend, who is very spiritual, turned up on my front door, saying she had a message for me, she said that Sharon is unhappy because I am unhappy, and she hates seeing me so depressed, and that she wants me to be happy. She also said that Sharon needs me to carry on being strong for her, to keep looking after her boys, and that she needs me to "sort it out".

Her friend then gave me a crystal, that she said Sharon had chosen, which was in Sharons favorite colour.

Coincidence? Maybe, but I like to think that my princess was letting me know she's still with me. It helps ease the pain a little.

A tribute to Sharon

2007-07-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you that knew Sharon, I have set up a memorial site on GoneTooSoon. If you'd like to light a candle for her, or leave a message, go to her memorial site here...

I am still missing her so much, but have spent the last two days sober and trying to get my act together. I know she does not want me falling apart, and she needs to me to carry on being strong for her.

I miss her so much

2007-07-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

It's really not getting any easier. I still seem to be getting drunk every day, and staying in the flat for too long really brings it home. I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that I am never going to hold my Sharon again. It just hurts so much.

I know I really should be going back to work, but I just can't face anything right now. If I don't go to the pub I just curl up in bed.

Maybe I should start taking the anti-depressants again. I think I will got the doctors tommorow, see if I can get some help, because I really feel like I am losing my grip.

Trying to cope without her...

2007-07-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last 12 days drunk. I miss her so much. She was the centre of my universe from the day we met, and even more so for the last year as I have walked beside her, helping her fight the cancer.

And now, she's gone. I'm trying to cope, but I am just devastated. For the last year I have been trying to keep her spirits up saying things like "come on babe, just get well, then we can get married, move into a new house and have nice things", and "hang in there princess, you can beat this...it's all going to be alright", and to be honest, although I knew deep down that I would lose her, I just could'nt lose hope.

But now, there is no hope. No Sharon, nothing is left, just wreckage.

I walked with her as far as I could, but in the end, she had to go. I know that. I know she gave it her best shot - WE gave it our best shot, but it was just bigger than both of us.

No more pain, no more suffering for my princess

Now, I am trying to carry on for her, for her boys, my step sons. We gave her a good send-off. Over 100 people attended her funeral and a good 60 people came to the wake. We had a huge party, to celebrate her life and remember the love and laughter she brought to our lives.

In her will, she asked me to be Lewis' guardian until he is old enough to stand on his own two feet, and I promised her before she died I would look after both her sons as if they were my own. I made my commitment to all three of them, not just her, and now she has died, that commitment still stands. I don't know how, but somehow, the three men in her life wil muddle through without her. It's what she wanted.

I will continue to post on this blog as we move forward, as I'm sure sometimes I will need to get stuff off of my chest.

Sharon's Eulogy

2007-07-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

Where to begin?

I’ve tried to understand why Sharon had to leave us, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever will, but, I do know that Sharon did what she came to do.

She raised two great sons, who don’t do drugs, steal cars or mug old ladies. She did what she came to do.

She gave her family and friends some fantastic memories of laughter and fun, so much laughter. She did what she came to do.

She was my soulmate, my best friend, the one. She was someone nobody can ever replace. She taught me about true love and how to be a man. I’m a better man for knowing her – She did what she came to do

I think this poem pretty much says it all…

A Legacy of Love

A wife, a mother, a great friend too,
This is the legacy we have from you.
You taught us love and how to fight,
You gave us strength, you gave us might.
A stronger person would be hard to find,
And in your heart, you were always kind.
You fought for us all in one way or another,
Not just as a wife not just as a mother.
For all of us you gave your best,
Now the time has come for you to rest.
So go in peace, you've earned your sleep,
Your love in our hearts, we'll eternally keep.

Rest now princess, you will always be remembered and you will always live in our hearts for as long as we live. I love you so much.

Goodbye My Beautiful Princess

2007-07-04T05:15:00.000-07:00

My Sharon passed away at 9.55pm last night. I was holding her hand.

She's gone.

Just Married

2007-06-27T04:55:00.000-07:00

Sharon and I are now married! She was awesome today. This morning the solicitor came to the hospice to help Sharon write her will. It was very hard for her, as she is really sleepy because of the anti-sickness drugs she is taking. One the solicitor left, she slipped back to sleep.

The doctor, nurses and myself were all doubtful that Sharon would even be able to make the wedding. The doctor changed the formula of her drugs to try to reduce the sedative effects, but none of us were really sure she would be able to go through with the wedding ceremony, booked for 5pm.

Then at 4.15pm, she woke up, and said, "come on then, I'm getting married... bring it on!". The girls turned up at 4.30pm and helped Sharon put her wig and make-up on, and bought a nice top over for her to wear. My friends had my suit dry-cleaned and bought it over to the hospice and at 5pm, Sharon and I got married. She was never one to say romantic stuff, and used to tell me "oh stop it soppy bollox" when I said romantic stuff to her, but I KNOW, she loves me. The way she rallied today to get up and get married tells me that. She was so happy.

The service was bitter-sweet, it was a goodbye for many of the people who attended, and a last moment of being happy and laughing with Sharon for us all.

Organising the wedding...

2007-06-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Been to the Registrars today, managed to organise a special dispensation on the Marriage so we don't have to wait 15 days to get married. Got the wedding rings sorted too.

When I walked back into the hospice I said to Sharon, "hey you, we is getting married tommorow!" and her face lit up, it was a nice moment. As she is so poorly now, we will not be able to go the whole nine yards, but her friends are coming over to the hospice tommorow to help her get ready, and I have got friends and family organising a wedding cake, flowers, buttonholes etc.

I'm really happy that we are getting married, but it should'nt be like this. I wanted so much more for us, and her cancer has stolen it all. But, at the end of the day, we still have eah other, despite everything, we love each other.

Moving Day...

2007-06-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today, Sharon is being moved to the hospice. I'm so scared. Sharon is having a really hard time dealing with this, and we can't seem to be able to talk about it at all. When the time comes.

We are definately getting married, Sharon has chosen her dress and plans are afoot for wedding dress, bridesmaids etc. I have my doubts about whether we will be able to organise everything in time, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Just one day of making her happy. That's all that matters now, nothing else.

Moving too fast

2007-06-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

Sharon has cancer in her liver. Usually, when a couple go for an unltrasound scan, it's for a good thing, checking out a new baby. For us, it was different. I held her hand, and stood watching the screen and seeing the cancer in her liver. Chemo has been stopped. Sharon has been referred to The Rowans Hospice for specialist palliative care, and she will moved to the Hospice as soon as a bed becomes available. The aim is to provide 2 weeks of rehab to help her control her pain and manage her symptoms, then she can come home. Everything is just falling apart.

I had to tell her 2 sons that their mum was terminally ill today. She just could'nt do it, so I did it for her. It was so hard.

I'm going to lose her.

Freefalling...

2007-06-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Everything is in freefall now. I am sat here, in the dark, in a hospital ward, with Sharon asleep in the bed next to me. We came to the hospital yesterday, for clinic and then chemo, but as Sharon is not strong enough for chemo, it's been stopped, maybe deferred, depending on Sharons strength. They have admitted her, probably until Monday, maybe more, because her calcium levels are too high and they are concerned about her liver function.

I was told on Monday "months, not years, - 6, 12, maybe 24 months" - Yesterday I was told the calcium and liver problems are signs that Sharon's condition is terminal, and we don't have long now. It just feels like everything is unravelling.

I was talking to one of the nursing staff about our wedding plans, and how my best friend will be unable to be best man as he will be overseas for the next 3 months, and she agreed when I said I felt we could'nt afford to wait that long, and that if we are going to get married, it should be as soon as possible, so we at least have a little time to enjoy it, and that Sharon is well enough to enjoy getting hitched.

One happy day, that's not too much to ask is it?

She is having real difficulties dealing with this. It's just blown her mind, and that makes this so much harder. She is so scared, and angry, but in true Sharon style, she is just buttoned up tight, and just not talking about it at all. If I try to approach the subject, she shuts down, becomes surly, angry and bitchy. I just want to reach out to her and drag her back to me, back from abyss she is looking into.

I know, that the cold truth is, she has to do part of this alone. But until that time comes, I really hope that she will find peace with herself, and come to terms with this, because if she can, then I can hold her hand and be there for her, with her, and I can talk with her, and tell her how I feel, because there are so many things I've not had the time to share with her

Life is so unfair

2007-06-14T10:00:00.001-07:00

I've not posted for about three weeks, because Sharon has been so poorly. She picked up an infection after her last cycle of chemo, and as a result has spent 9 days over the last 3 weeks in hospital, and when she has been at home she has been so ill I have had to do everything for her, so I have'nt had time to make any posts.

Things are looking bleak now. Although when the cancer came back, her specialist told us there was a 20% chance of survival, I tried to be optimistic, but I got the true picture on Monday, when I had a word with one of the medical staff on the ward at the hospital, and I asked her to explain the term "palliative chemotherapy". I knew that the cancer was not curable, but thought the chemo could manage the symptoms indefinately. This is not the case.

Months, not years. That's all. Months. The specialist told me it could be 6, 12 or even 24 months, but not much more than that.

Sharon has not talked about what she wants if she does'nt make it, as she is still thinking it will all be alright, but one of us has to be practical. While I understand that her way of dealing with this is denial, I have to think about the future, for her sons, and for myself.

I tried to talk to her about this, and she asked me if the doctors where going to give her some news at clinic on Friday, and I said I didnt know, but then she asked me if the doctors knew how she has left, and I could'nt lie to her. I just said yes. I felt like I had punched her. I hate having to carry this and try to be strong for her, when I can't talk about it with her as she just cannot face it yet.

She cried, and I just had to sit there and be strong, and hold my tears at bay, as she needs me to hold it together. She is terrified. She does'nt want any more information yet, but I think she knows, deep down that things are not looking very hopeful.

She has said she wants me to take care of the boys for her if she does'nt make it. I have promised her that I will, no matter how hard it will be, I will be there for them, if she can't be.

All I want now, is for her to be happy, and if possible, to be well for a while, although at the moment, that does'nt look likely as she is so weak and poorly, and with more chemo tommorow, she will probably be even more unwell next week as the chemo does it's stuff.

We have talked about getting married, while we still can, so I am struggling to find some work to raise the money, but that's hard as I am spending all my time looking after her, but we'll make that happen, that's all we have left now, just a short time to be happy and together.

Life is just so unfair. I've waited my whole life for her, and now, after only being with her for 16 months, I'm told I'm going to lose her.

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do...

2007-05-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

Not been a fun day today, Sharon's hair has been really thinning over the last week or so (due to the chemo), and it's got so bad that she has been scared to brush it in case she pulls out clumps. As a result she has looked like she has had a birds nest on her head for the last few days and has not ventured out of the flat.

After waking up yet again, with hair all over the pillow, she finally worked up the courage to take control of the situation today and asked me to shave her head with the clippers. I think it must be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was so upsetting to see her crying as I cut all her hair, but it had to be done, as it was really affecting her morale.

Now she has done it, she says she feels better, especially as the black wig arrived yesterday, so she looks just like she did when we met, and she feels like she has got her hair back, but I think when she does eventually work up the courage to look at herself in the mirror without the wig she is going to find it really distressing.

How do I feel? Well, to be honest, it is shocking to see her with a very short stubble instead of a full head of hair, but I still think she is beautiful.

Chemo, Wigs and Mood Swings...

2007-05-08T15:11:00.001-07:00

It's been a week or so since my last post, as I've been a bit busy. I've started my new job - although I turned it down to be able to help Sharon through her next round of treatment, they called me back and offered me the chance of working part-time and from home so I could keep my career on track and be there for Sharon. To be honest, I can't believe that a company can be so good to someone who hasn't even begun working for them, but it's a huge help, as we need the money, and it gives us both some time apart when it all gets too much.

Since my last post, Sharon has started her chemo. It's not nice. Although she has been through chemo before, this time it seems to be hitting her harder. The first couple of days after the treatment didn't seem too bad for her, but by the time we got to day 5 she was having a such a rough time I had to call the doctor out. She had no energy at all, she could hardly talk or keep her eyes open, let alone get out of bed. The doctor said it was to be expected, and that tiredness and fatigue were normal side effects.

I hate seeing her having to do this. Although this time, her family and some of her friends know, I still feel that no-one really understands how serious the situation really is. Her sons seem to forget that she needs quiet and rest, and just tell me to stop moaning when I ask them to keep the noise down, and although I think the world of them both, it is hard not to have a go at them for being so selfish, but I suppose it's probably better for them if we can maintain as much normality as possible.

Sharon's beautiful black hair has started to fall out, which is probably one of the hardest things to deal with. She has had it cut into a bob style to make it less distressing, but this morning when she was brushing it she started crying as a clump came out in her hands. She was panicking as she missed an appointment for a wig fitting last week because she was feeling so rough, and thinks that her hair is going to fall out before her wig arrives.

Then, this afternoon, we went to Portsmouth to have the wig fitted and at first it was quiet upsetting, but then after trying a few wigs on I think that she felt a bit better because she found out how "natural" the wigs were, and they didn't look "wiggy" at all. I think in a way, she enjoyed part of it, as she has often said she'd like to try having lighter coloured hair, but because her hair is so dark she couldn't dye it, so to be able to actually see how she would look with different hair colours was interesting! In the end she chose a black wig that really closely matches her hair as it was when we met, and that should be ready in 10-14 days.

As well as the black wig, she also chose a light chocolate coloured wig so she has something in case she loses her hair before the black wig arrives. I was surprised how expensive wigs are (the lighter one was nearly £200!) but to be honest, if it makes her feel better, it's money well spent, although I had to twist her arm to stop worrying about money and to put herself first for a change! I think she looks fantastic with lighter coloured hair, and said to her that once this is all over, she could wear it out on the town and be a glamour-puss!

It's very hard to keep her spirits up at the moment. The chemo has the unfortunate side effect of mood swings, which with some-one who is already quite fiery, makes live interesting to say the least. We have had a couple of rows this week about silly things, and it's nearly impossible to get her to "snap out of it".

I think the worst part of all is that we just don't know what the outcome is going to be, and, as a result, all I want to do is love her, see her smile, laugh and be happy, but because she is on an emotional rollercoaster, we have had a pretty crappy week, and I feel that every time we row, we are missing a chance to build memories, and as she won't let things go, I almost feel like she is "stealing" good memories that I could have in the future, if the worst happens and she doesn't beat that cancer. I know that sounds weird or morbid, but I cant help it. I just want every second we have together to be happy, that's all.

Trying to be strong...

2007-04-24T14:31:00.001-07:00

We went back to the hospital today, to get the results of Sharon's GFR test and so she could sign the consent forms for her next cycle of chemotherapy. That was hard. Last time she had to sign a release form it stated "disease management and possibly survival" as the reasons for treatment. This time it was simply "disease management".

Her next treatment is palliative, not curative, so it is purely to make her more comfortable and to keep the cancer at bay. I'm so scared for her, but can't show it. She is being positive, but I don't think she is ready to face the fact that she might not survive this. All I want is for her to be happy for as long as we have left.

I saw my doctor tonight, and he told me that I should not lose hope yet, and that although "palliative" chemo is unlikely to cure the cancer, it is still too soon to lose hope, and that although things do look bleak, it could be 6 months, or 10 years, there is no way of knowing.

I just feel so helpless. Sharon is my soulmate, I feel I have been looking for her my entire life, but now I've found her, we have to go through this. It's so unfair. I have been working so hard to raise the money for us to get a house, and for her to have nice things, but all it seems to have achieved is to keep the wolves at bay while we deal with her health.

She said to me last week, when we got home from the hospital after finding out the cancer had returned, that she would understand if I decided to walk away, but I can't. I love her, and I promised her the day she was diagnosed that I would be there for her, come what may. This is so hard, but it's easier than leaving her to go through this alone.

A bit of a setback

2007-04-22T10:41:00.001-07:00

Well, now we know. Sharon and I met with her specialist on Friday to get the results of her CT scan. It was horrible. We knew that something was wrong, but I don't think either of us was really expecting to hear that the cancer had returned somewhere other than where is started.

The specialist told us that the cancer has appear in her lymph nodes, and this is why she has been having the back pains that she has been suffering from for the past 2 or 3 months.

It was so painful watching her having to hear the news and how it is going to be dealt with. She has to go back for another cycle of chemo, this time with a mixture of two drugs, once every three weeks for 9 weeks.

I think the worst part of it for Sharon is that she knows that this time, she will definately lose her hair, which did'nt happen last time as it was'nt a common side effect for the drug they used, but this time, there is no way she will be able to keep her beautiful black locks. It's going to be heartbreaking watching her go through this again, but as long as she makes it, that's all that matters

The prognosis is not so good this time, only 20-25% chance of the treatment working. I just pray Sharon can stay positive and fight it. I just can't lose her.

Trying to deal with the fear...

2007-04-19T15:53:00.001-07:00

Sharon called me at work yesterday morning. She was crying. She'd just opened a letter from the hospital, saying an appointment had been made for her to see the specialist on Friday. So, it looks like the cancer has returned, as the specialist said we would not need to go back to the hospital for 2 months, unless anything abnormal showed up on the CT Scan results.

As soon as she told me, I turned off my laptop and rushed to get the first train back to Fareham. I felt so helpless hearing her cry and being nearly 3 hours away, and not being able to hold her when she needed it.

Today has been really hard, trying to be optimistic, trying to make light of the situation, and all the while dreading what the doctor is going to tell us tomorrow. I think the worst part is seeing her cry. Sharon has not really cried at all since her diagnosis 9 months ago, but today, it seems that all she can do is cry. It's heartbreaking. She is so strong, so courageous, and usually so tough, that to see her so upset is almost impossible to deal with. There is nothing I can do for her but listen and be there. I feel so helpless.

She's now laying next to me, sound asleep, which should do her good. I just pray she gets a good nights sleep. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, other than having to sit, feeling sick, in the waiting room, until called into the consultation room with the specialist and watching her be thrown back into the storm.

Please, let it be that the results aren't that bad, that there is still hope. Please.

Still together, after everything...

2007-04-14T09:31:00.001-07:00

Well, where to begin? It's been a hard couple of months since my last post, Sharon is in remission, on the road to recovery, and although we still rarely get a solid nights sleep, things seem to be getting better, at last!

So much has happened since my last post, it's hard to know where to begin, and with so much stress and strain it's hard to remember yesterday sometimes, let alone the last 3 months. It's still hard, we are still living the in the shadow of the cancer, but lately things seem to be getting easier.

Sharon is still suffering, she gets really bad back pain, which as yet, we don't know the cause of, but we think it's just the result of the combined chemotherapy and radiotherapy, as well as the fact she has not been drinking enough liquids. She had a check-up last week, after having a CT Scan, but the results were not ready, so no news yet - The specialist said that her back pains could be a sign of the cancer returning, but he would call us if so, if not, he made an appointment for her to go back for her next check-up in June. He told us he was having a meeting with his team yesterday, so we would hear from him if there was anything abnormal in the scan, but no call, so fingers crossed, this is good news!

It's so hard to watch Sharon go through this. As we were only together for four months before her diagnosis, we hardly knew each other, and we were forced together by the situtation. We have both agreed, that if it wasn't for the cancer, there is no way I would have moved in with her this soon, if at all, so it's difficult sometimes to know how best to help her, as we are still learning about each other, and with the health, and financial pressures, as well as family issues caused in the aftermath of her illness, it's a steep learning curve. All I do know is that I am crazy about her, and we WILL get through this. We just have to believe.

Work is looking up, I rejoined Streamcity in January, but commuting to London from Portsmouth each day is really hard, it's a 120 mile round trip on the train every day, and after being up half the night with Sharon, then getting the train at 6.45 am, I have been shattered pretty much constantly for the last 3 months! But, I had a result a couple of weeks ago, I was offered a great job, with a great company, just 2 stops down the track! So hopefully things will get easier. I start on the 1st of May, with www.jobsite.com as a web developer - They are the 3rd biggest recruitment website in Europe, and a Times Top 100 company to work for, so hopefully, it will be a good career move, and Sharon, Kevin, Lewis and I can start to rebuild after the hellish 8 months we have had. We are starting to save for the deposit on a house, but it's a struggle as we have got ourselves into debt during Sharon's illness and treatment.

So, all in all, things seem to be getting better, thank god. It's still early days, it's still a day to day slog, and we are both still recovering, but despite it all, we are still together - That's got to mean something eh?

Trying again...

2007-01-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

Well, try as I might, I just can't give up on Sharon. I love her, and have promised her I will do ANYTHING it takes to get through this with her. Things are still pretty tense, but no more or less than they have been lately.

More radiotherapy this afternoon. She is very tired, and has bad trapped wind and generally feeling like shit as far as I can tell, night-times seem the worst, sitting up with her all hours, rubbing her back when she needs it or massaging her legs when she gets "chemo-legs", which make her legs spasm and shake, and massaging them seems to help.

Her eating habits are shot to bits as well, bowls of Ready Brek at 3 am, Wheatabix at 4 am, and generally just picking at stuff whenever she needs to.

Enough is enough...

2006-09-04T07:39:00.000-07:00

It's all come to a head. Just let rip at Sharon about everything, because I just can't take anymore and really feel at the end of my tether. It may not have been the most constructive thing to do, but it's been coming for some time.

So, I told her. I unloaded on her. No punches pulled, just full flight. Everything that has been niggling, every ounce of hurt, anger, fear and confusion thrown in one huge mess. She repeatedly took offense at everything I said when I tried to sensibly raise the issue of how we have been communicating lately and after a few unnecessary comments and total denial, anger and defensive retorts, I lost my temper and let rip

She keeps asking me, "who do I think I am?" when I ask her to try to maintain a civil tone of voice, and saying how "outrageous" some of my comments have been lately, so I threw it back.

Three nights ago, she said I was selfish. Selfish? No f**king way am I selfish. I am the only one whos has been there, every hospital appointment, every treatment, every sleepless night, every tear, every rant and rave! Selfish, I think not. So I told her.

On Saturday, I was trying to keep out of her way and get 10 minutes peace and quiet. She said to me "All I ever see you do is lay around on MY bed!" - Oh really? That's when I am not at the hospital, sitting with her at night when she can't sleep, or when I'm not doing housework, or cooking meals, or trying to make her more comfortable, not to mention trying to hold down a job, and make sure we are all generally ok. So, she's wrong. So I told her.

So, I am now the biggest shit in the world. She has gone to Radiotherapy on her own. I said some really harsh things, so it's dead. It's done. Over. She has told me to "get the f**k out of her house", and thinks that I am totally out of order. So, that's it. I've tried everything. I just said to her - "If there is an us, tell me, if not, tell me. I can take any of this, but not if there is no US"

This may all seem really petty to casual readers, but believe me, when you are living someone who seems totaaly incapable of speaking to you in a civil tone of voice, who is constantly critical of your every move, and is constantly rude insulting and abusive, it soon becomes impossible to take, no matter what the circumstances. Sharon may have Cancer - surely it does'nt give her the right to treat me like s**t. It would be more bearable if she had the same attitude with everyone, but it's just me. Because I am the only one who knows. The only one there. The only one she can lash out at. Or perhaps I'm just not coping with it myself. Who knows, right now - I've had enough.

I just want to go to bed!

2006-09-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

Well, Sunday is drawing to a close, and things still are'nt any better. I have just narrowly avoided a row about why Sharon is not a coffee freak and how she does'nt like tiramisu! It just comes out of nowhere and when it comes I just try my best to bite my lip. As a result, I am now sat here in the lounge, when all I want to do is go to bed, but if I stay in the room with her, I will be subject to her angry attitude, and tonight, I'm just too tired to take it

We did have one funny moment today however. At 7pm Sharon's neice's 7yr old son turned up on the front door step - he had walked over 3 miles on his own to visit! As a result we had the chance to see Sharon's neice, for the first time in a while. Sharon did'nt explain why she has been out of circulation or the cancer though - I wish she would just tell someone, perhaps she would find this easier to deal with if she could share the burden a bit with a member of her family.

Feeling down...

2006-09-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

Having another crap day today. It has been like living in a minefield for the past couple of weeks. Sharon is really starting to feel the side effects from the Radio and Chemotherapy, and on top of it all, she is suffering from regular, rapid mood swings, making her unreasonable, irrational and almost impossible to live with.

One of the Macmillan team advised me to use a "walk away" strategy to try to gently encourage Sharon to deal with her emotions more constructively, and to allow me an escape from the ranting and raving when Sharon turns into GrouchyPants. Walking away, seems to make sense, try to diffuse the situation, and deny the opportunity to argue. It's VERY hard to do though, I can tell you. She is getting increasingly pissed of with me going out for an hour at least twice a day, and I am getting really bored with walking to my best friends house and unloading on them!

You hear a lot about the side effects or Chemo and Radiotherapy - nausea, vomitting, hairloss, infertility etc, but there are also the emotional and mental side effects - Depression, Feeling low, anger, insomnia or broken sleep patterns.

It's hard to explain, but if you can imagine what it's like living with a woman who has recently had a cancer diagnosis, suffering the side effects from both Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy, is in pain and finding it nearly impossible to get comfortable, and is also going through menopause caused by the treatment, and has extreme financial pressures due to the illnes as well, and I think you might get the general idea - Dealing with any one of these would be hard going - but ALL at once, I think she is at her wits end at the moment. I just wish I could help.

No control over anything...

2006-09-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to find time to add a post for some time, but had my hands full. Sharon has just finished her 3rd week of Chemo and Radiotherapy. She's doing well, physically. The treatments are having side effects, but she is coping with them brilliantly. Emotionally, I'm not so sure. She has not yet talked about the cancer, she is just angry and confrontational all the time.

It's now 9 weeks since her diagnosis, and until 4 weeks ago, she had'nt even told her sons. Now, the only people who know what is going on are her 15yr and 20yr sons and me. She has'nt told any of her friends and family. So, we are all living a huge lie.

My job has gone pearshaped as I have been trying to work from home so I can provide emotional and practical supprt when she needs it, and my so-called employers have turned out to be the biggest pair of arseholes on the face of the planet.

When Sharon was diagnosed, she was scared of her sons finding out and of people discovering she had cancer. There were rumours flying around, originating from her work place, so I said to her that she had enough to deal with, to quit her job and I would take the financial strain so she could concentrate on her health and fighting the cancer. Since then, despite doing my best, my employers have not paid me the money I have earnt, so not only do we have the diagnosis and treatment to deal with, but also, unbelievable pressure over money too. We are down to our last £100 in the bank, and at this point have not idea where the next money is coming from.

I just feel like I have failed. I really tried to take some pressure off, but instead created more. Now all we do is row. When we should be fighting together, we are actually fighting each other.

To top it all off, Sharon has reached the angry stage of dealing with cancer, and as there is no-one else who knows, it's me who is getting the full force. EVERYTHING I do is wrong, we are arguing constantly. I just don't know if I can do this. I can cope with the practical side of this, I can cope with it all, but I can't cope with her anger. I'm so close to giving up. Just tired, tired of fighting, tired of sleepless nights, tired of chasing money, just so tired.

We'll be ok. If we can get through this, we'll be bulletproof, but it's just so hard.

Trying to cope...

2006-08-29T04:01:00.000-07:00

We have been together for 5 months, and until the diagnosis, everything seemed to just "fall into place" - Then on the 6th July, the world got ripped apart.

Everything seems to be coming unravelled, spiralling out of control. I have been to every appointment with her, every treatment, seen every tear, as well as crying a few of my own, but as well as trying to deal with cancer, everything else is going pear-shaped too - As I have been working from home to try to provide emotional and practical support, my job has suffered, and my employers now owe me over £2000, my mother is being a nightmare and has forced Sharon and I to make huge decisions without having the time to seriously consider the consequences.

I have now moved in with Sharon and her 2 teenaged sons and the pressure is becoming unbearable - Sharon does not seem to want, or be able to talk about cancer and what it is doing to her life,my life, OUR life, the only people who know are me and her sons, and as a result we seem to be living a huge lie. She is becoming increasingly angry and confrontational to me when she feels well, but when the treatment knocks her sideways the only one who is there for her is me, as she is trying to protect her kids, her friends don't know and she has no real family to speak of.

It's just so hard to cope with her anger. I can't help asking her "are you ok babe?" when she looks tired or ill, but she sees it as fussing and being "in her face", we just seem to be rowing all the time, the only time she seems to have the ability to speak to me with a civil tone of voice is when there are other people around, but when we are on our own, it just falls apart.

Please help me. I am trying my best to be here for her, but don't know how much longer I can do this on my own, I just need some advice on how to cope with this constant pressure, and how to be what she needs.

Where to begin?

2006-08-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

It's hard to know where to start, I met Sharon just over 7 months ago, and knew instantly that I wanted to get to know her more. I had seen her around on a few occasions, but never had the guts to walk up and introduce myself.

Then, one afternoon, I was in my local pub and had one of the local idiots talking at me, when I saw her sitting with a mutual friend and saw the chance I had been waiting for. She has told me since she thought I was a bit of a nutter, the way I came bounding over and made my presence felt, but, we hit it off, despite her initial doubts.

Since then, everything seem to "fall into place". She introduced me to her teenaged sons, both of whom I seemed to hit it off with, we just seemed to click, and be able to just "be ourselves" when around each other, and despite a few hiccups along the way, we began to plan a future together, planning getting a house together, and having a better life.

Then, in the beginning of July, everything changed. Ever since we met, Sharon had regularly complained of stomach aches, and I had repeatedly asked her to go to the doctor and get herselft checked out, but she never did, until one night after making love, we found blood on the bed sheets.

The 2 days later, she made an appointment at the doctors, who, when she examined Sharon discovered an anomaly, and refered Sharon to a gynaecology specialist. It was frightening how fast everything moved from that point. Within a couple of days, a letter arrived with an appointment to see the consultant. Obviously, she was worried, and I went along to the appointment with her. Once she had seen the specialist, she came out to the waiting room and asked me to follow her upstairs in the hospital, where she had a biopsy carried out.

Then, after a half-hour or so wait, she was called into the consultants office, and, I was asked to accompany her. In that room, everything changed.

They say, "1 in 3 people will, at some time in their lives, be touched by cancer". Well, let me tell you something. Cancer does'nt touch you, it totally devastates everything. Hearing the consultant say "I'm sorry, I have found a tumour" was like being tied to a chair, and being made to watch her being beaten with a baseball bat, and be totally unable to do anything.

Sharon's prognosis is hopeful, compared to some. She has a 60% chance of survival, but it does'nt stop the fear, guilt, anger, rage, worry, or despair.

This blog is'nt about feeling sorry for Sharon. Or myself. It's just a way to vent my feelings, and, I'd like to think it might help someone else out there going through a similar experience.