Trying to cope...

We have been together for 5 months, and until the diagnosis, everything seemed to just "fall into place" - Then on the 6th July, the world got ripped apart.

Everything seems to be coming unravelled, spiralling out of control. I have been to every appointment with her, every treatment, seen every tear, as well as crying a few of my own, but as well as trying to deal with cancer, everything else is going pear-shaped too - As I have been working from home to try to provide emotional and practical support, my job has suffered, and my employers now owe me over £2000, my mother is being a nightmare and has forced Sharon and I to make huge decisions without having the time to seriously consider the consequences.

I have now moved in with Sharon and her 2 teenaged sons and the pressure is becoming unbearable - Sharon does not seem to want, or be able to talk about cancer and what it is doing to her life,my life, OUR life, the only people who know are me and her sons, and as a result we seem to be living a huge lie. She is becoming increasingly angry and confrontational to me when she feels well, but when the treatment knocks her sideways the only one who is there for her is me, as she is trying to protect her kids, her friends don't know and she has no real family to speak of.

It's just so hard to cope with her anger. I can't help asking her "are you ok babe?" when she looks tired or ill, but she sees it as fussing and being "in her face", we just seem to be rowing all the time, the only time she seems to have the ability to speak to me with a civil tone of voice is when there are other people around, but when we are on our own, it just falls apart.

Please help me. I am trying my best to be here for her, but don't know how much longer I can do this on my own, I just need some advice on how to cope with this constant pressure, and how to be what she needs.

Where to begin?

It's hard to know where to start, I met Sharon just over 7 months ago, and knew instantly that I wanted to get to know her more. I had seen her around on a few occasions, but never had the guts to walk up and introduce myself.

Then, one afternoon, I was in my local pub and had one of the local idiots talking at me, when I saw her sitting with a mutual friend and saw the chance I had been waiting for. She has told me since she thought I was a bit of a nutter, the way I came bounding over and made my presence felt, but, we hit it off, despite her initial doubts.

Since then, everything seem to "fall into place". She introduced me to her teenaged sons, both of whom I seemed to hit it off with, we just seemed to click, and be able to just "be ourselves" when around each other, and despite a few hiccups along the way, we began to plan a future together, planning getting a house together, and having a better life.

Then, in the beginning of July, everything changed. Ever since we met, Sharon had regularly complained of stomach aches, and I had repeatedly asked her to go to the doctor and get herselft checked out, but she never did, until one night after making love, we found blood on the bed sheets.

The 2 days later, she made an appointment at the doctors, who, when she examined Sharon discovered an anomaly, and refered Sharon to a gynaecology specialist. It was frightening how fast everything moved from that point. Within a couple of days, a letter arrived with an appointment to see the consultant. Obviously, she was worried, and I went along to the appointment with her. Once she had seen the specialist, she came out to the waiting room and asked me to follow her upstairs in the hospital, where she had a biopsy carried out.

Then, after a half-hour or so wait, she was called into the consultants office, and, I was asked to accompany her. In that room, everything changed.

They say, "1 in 3 people will, at some time in their lives, be touched by cancer". Well, let me tell you something. Cancer does'nt touch you, it totally devastates everything. Hearing the consultant say "I'm sorry, I have found a tumour" was like being tied to a chair, and being made to watch her being beaten with a baseball bat, and be totally unable to do anything.

Sharon's prognosis is hopeful, compared to some. She has a 60% chance of survival, but it does'nt stop the fear, guilt, anger, rage, worry, or despair.

This blog is'nt about feeling sorry for Sharon. Or myself. It's just a way to vent my feelings, and, I'd like to think it might help someone else out there going through a similar experience.