Not been a fun day today, Sharon's hair has been really thinning over the last week or so (due to the chemo), and it's got so bad that she has been scared to brush it in case she pulls out clumps. As a result she has looked like she has had a birds nest on her head for the last few days and has not ventured out of the flat.
After waking up yet again, with hair all over the pillow, she finally worked up the courage to take control of the situation today and asked me to shave her head with the clippers. I think it must be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was so upsetting to see her crying as I cut all her hair, but it had to be done, as it was really affecting her morale.
Now she has done it, she says she feels better, especially as the black wig arrived yesterday, so she looks just like she did when we met, and she feels like she has got her hair back, but I think when she does eventually work up the courage to look at herself in the mirror without the wig she is going to find it really distressing.
How do I feel? Well, to be honest, it is shocking to see her with a very short stubble instead of a full head of hair, but I still think she is beautiful.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Chemo, Wigs and Mood Swings...
It's been a week or so since my last post, as I've been a bit busy. I've started my new job - although I turned it down to be able to help Sharon through her next round of treatment, they called me back and offered me the chance of working part-time and from home so I could keep my career on track and be there for Sharon. To be honest, I can't believe that a company can be so good to someone who hasn't even begun working for them, but it's a huge help, as we need the money, and it gives us both some time apart when it all gets too much.
Since my last post, Sharon has started her chemo. It's not nice. Although she has been through chemo before, this time it seems to be hitting her harder. The first couple of days after the treatment didn't seem too bad for her, but by the time we got to day 5 she was having a such a rough time I had to call the doctor out. She had no energy at all, she could hardly talk or keep her eyes open, let alone get out of bed. The doctor said it was to be expected, and that tiredness and fatigue were normal side effects.
I hate seeing her having to do this. Although this time, her family and some of her friends know, I still feel that no-one really understands how serious the situation really is. Her sons seem to forget that she needs quiet and rest, and just tell me to stop moaning when I ask them to keep the noise down, and although I think the world of them both, it is hard not to have a go at them for being so selfish, but I suppose it's probably better for them if we can maintain as much normality as possible.
Sharon's beautiful black hair has started to fall out, which is probably one of the hardest things to deal with. She has had it cut into a bob style to make it less distressing, but this morning when she was brushing it she started crying as a clump came out in her hands. She was panicking as she missed an appointment for a wig fitting last week because she was feeling so rough, and thinks that her hair is going to fall out before her wig arrives.
Then, this afternoon, we went to Portsmouth to have the wig fitted and at first it was quiet upsetting, but then after trying a few wigs on I think that she felt a bit better because she found out how "natural" the wigs were, and they didn't look "wiggy" at all. I think in a way, she enjoyed part of it, as she has often said she'd like to try having lighter coloured hair, but because her hair is so dark she couldn't dye it, so to be able to actually see how she would look with different hair colours was interesting! In the end she chose a black wig that really closely matches her hair as it was when we met, and that should be ready in 10-14 days.
As well as the black wig, she also chose a light chocolate coloured wig so she has something in case she loses her hair before the black wig arrives. I was surprised how expensive wigs are (the lighter one was nearly £200!) but to be honest, if it makes her feel better, it's money well spent, although I had to twist her arm to stop worrying about money and to put herself first for a change! I think she looks fantastic with lighter coloured hair, and said to her that once this is all over, she could wear it out on the town and be a glamour-puss!
It's very hard to keep her spirits up at the moment. The chemo has the unfortunate side effect of mood swings, which with some-one who is already quite fiery, makes live interesting to say the least. We have had a couple of rows this week about silly things, and it's nearly impossible to get her to "snap out of it".
I think the worst part of all is that we just don't know what the outcome is going to be, and, as a result, all I want to do is love her, see her smile, laugh and be happy, but because she is on an emotional rollercoaster, we have had a pretty crappy week, and I feel that every time we row, we are missing a chance to build memories, and as she won't let things go, I almost feel like she is "stealing" good memories that I could have in the future, if the worst happens and she doesn't beat that cancer. I know that sounds weird or morbid, but I cant help it. I just want every second we have together to be happy, that's all.
Since my last post, Sharon has started her chemo. It's not nice. Although she has been through chemo before, this time it seems to be hitting her harder. The first couple of days after the treatment didn't seem too bad for her, but by the time we got to day 5 she was having a such a rough time I had to call the doctor out. She had no energy at all, she could hardly talk or keep her eyes open, let alone get out of bed. The doctor said it was to be expected, and that tiredness and fatigue were normal side effects.
I hate seeing her having to do this. Although this time, her family and some of her friends know, I still feel that no-one really understands how serious the situation really is. Her sons seem to forget that she needs quiet and rest, and just tell me to stop moaning when I ask them to keep the noise down, and although I think the world of them both, it is hard not to have a go at them for being so selfish, but I suppose it's probably better for them if we can maintain as much normality as possible.
Sharon's beautiful black hair has started to fall out, which is probably one of the hardest things to deal with. She has had it cut into a bob style to make it less distressing, but this morning when she was brushing it she started crying as a clump came out in her hands. She was panicking as she missed an appointment for a wig fitting last week because she was feeling so rough, and thinks that her hair is going to fall out before her wig arrives.
Then, this afternoon, we went to Portsmouth to have the wig fitted and at first it was quiet upsetting, but then after trying a few wigs on I think that she felt a bit better because she found out how "natural" the wigs were, and they didn't look "wiggy" at all. I think in a way, she enjoyed part of it, as she has often said she'd like to try having lighter coloured hair, but because her hair is so dark she couldn't dye it, so to be able to actually see how she would look with different hair colours was interesting! In the end she chose a black wig that really closely matches her hair as it was when we met, and that should be ready in 10-14 days.
As well as the black wig, she also chose a light chocolate coloured wig so she has something in case she loses her hair before the black wig arrives. I was surprised how expensive wigs are (the lighter one was nearly £200!) but to be honest, if it makes her feel better, it's money well spent, although I had to twist her arm to stop worrying about money and to put herself first for a change! I think she looks fantastic with lighter coloured hair, and said to her that once this is all over, she could wear it out on the town and be a glamour-puss!
It's very hard to keep her spirits up at the moment. The chemo has the unfortunate side effect of mood swings, which with some-one who is already quite fiery, makes live interesting to say the least. We have had a couple of rows this week about silly things, and it's nearly impossible to get her to "snap out of it".
I think the worst part of all is that we just don't know what the outcome is going to be, and, as a result, all I want to do is love her, see her smile, laugh and be happy, but because she is on an emotional rollercoaster, we have had a pretty crappy week, and I feel that every time we row, we are missing a chance to build memories, and as she won't let things go, I almost feel like she is "stealing" good memories that I could have in the future, if the worst happens and she doesn't beat that cancer. I know that sounds weird or morbid, but I cant help it. I just want every second we have together to be happy, that's all.
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