18 months on

Well, it's been 18 months now since Sharon passed away. It's been hard. VERY hard at times. Coming to terms with her death, while trying to get back into the swing of things with friends, family and work, not to mention trying to dig myself out of the financial hole that Sharon's illness left behind. But slowly but surely, we're getting there. The boys have been hard work sometimes, at one point I came close to saying "F**k it, you're on your own fellas", due to their selfishness and not contributing, but things are improving, and after all, they are youngsters, with no clue of the real world. Sharon left them in my charge, so it's up to me to show them how to take care of themselves and grow up.

It was Lewis' 18th yesterday. A bit of a sad day, as I remember the way Sharon would spoil you if it was your birthday. If you were birthday boy, you were king for a day. I tried to spoil him, but it's not the same is it. I'm very proud of young Lewis though. Considering the crap he's been through, he's shaping up into a fine young man. Now all he really needs is to get a job!

I've also made a start at having contact with MY son, and I am hoping to rebuild trust with his mother so I can be his dad properly. I made some difficult choices during Sharon's illness, and now I'm starting to pick up the pieces and make things right with those who felt I neglected them while I was caring for Sharon.

So, the healing process continues. I still have black days, when all I can think about is Sharon and what I have lost. But, more often these days, I am rebuilding, moving forward. I know that's what she would have wanted.

Two months on....

Well, it's two months today since my princess passed away, and to be honest, it's not really much easier. I'm fine when I am out and about with friends or keeping busy, but sitting alone in our bedroom or trying to sleep is hard. Bed's too big without her.

I don't think I will ever really get over Sharon, I love her so much, and although I know I'll never hold her again, it's hard to accept.

I'm going back to work tommorow after being signed off for 2 months, maybe getting back to work will distract me long enough for the pain to heal a little.

She's watching over us....

I've had a couple of crap days, missing Sharon so much, but trying to smile. I went to the doctors today, I think I need some help, it's been a month since she passed away but I just don't seem to be getting my head around it. The doc signed me off from work for a month and has referred me to counselling. Not convinced it will help, but right now anything is worth a go.

I had a strange thing happen to me last week. I was talking to Sharon, as I have done pretty often since she passed away, and I said to her, "come on then Babe, if you really are there watching over us, and there is something after death, prove it. I'll be ok if I know you are still there, but show me a sign, something obvious"

An hour later, her friend, who is very spiritual, turned up on my front door, saying she had a message for me, she said that Sharon is unhappy because I am unhappy, and she hates seeing me so depressed, and that she wants me to be happy. She also said that Sharon needs me to carry on being strong for her, to keep looking after her boys, and that she needs me to "sort it out".

Her friend then gave me a crystal, that she said Sharon had chosen, which was in Sharons favorite colour.

Coincidence? Maybe, but I like to think that my princess was letting me know she's still with me. It helps ease the pain a little.

A tribute to Sharon

For those of you that knew Sharon, I have set up a memorial site on GoneTooSoon. If you'd like to light a candle for her, or leave a message, go to her memorial site here...

I am still missing her so much, but have spent the last two days sober and trying to get my act together. I know she does not want me falling apart, and she needs to me to carry on being strong for her.

I miss her so much

It's really not getting any easier. I still seem to be getting drunk every day, and staying in the flat for too long really brings it home. I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that I am never going to hold my Sharon again. It just hurts so much.

I know I really should be going back to work, but I just can't face anything right now. If I don't go to the pub I just curl up in bed.

Maybe I should start taking the anti-depressants again. I think I will got the doctors tommorow, see if I can get some help, because I really feel like I am losing my grip.

Trying to cope without her...

I have spent the last 12 days drunk. I miss her so much. She was the centre of my universe from the day we met, and even more so for the last year as I have walked beside her, helping her fight the cancer.

And now, she's gone. I'm trying to cope, but I am just devastated. For the last year I have been trying to keep her spirits up saying things like "come on babe, just get well, then we can get married, move into a new house and have nice things", and "hang in there princess, you can beat this...it's all going to be alright", and to be honest, although I knew deep down that I would lose her, I just could'nt lose hope.

But now, there is no hope. No Sharon, nothing is left, just wreckage.

I walked with her as far as I could, but in the end, she had to go. I know that. I know she gave it her best shot - WE gave it our best shot, but it was just bigger than both of us.

No more pain, no more suffering for my princess

Now, I am trying to carry on for her, for her boys, my step sons. We gave her a good send-off. Over 100 people attended her funeral and a good 60 people came to the wake. We had a huge party, to celebrate her life and remember the love and laughter she brought to our lives.

In her will, she asked me to be Lewis' guardian until he is old enough to stand on his own two feet, and I promised her before she died I would look after both her sons as if they were my own. I made my commitment to all three of them, not just her, and now she has died, that commitment still stands. I don't know how, but somehow, the three men in her life wil muddle through without her. It's what she wanted.

I will continue to post on this blog as we move forward, as I'm sure sometimes I will need to get stuff off of my chest.

Sharon's Eulogy

Where to begin?

I’ve tried to understand why Sharon had to leave us, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever will, but, I do know that Sharon did what she came to do.

She raised two great sons, who don’t do drugs, steal cars or mug old ladies. She did what she came to do.

She gave her family and friends some fantastic memories of laughter and fun, so much laughter. She did what she came to do.

She was my soulmate, my best friend, the one. She was someone nobody can ever replace. She taught me about true love and how to be a man. I’m a better man for knowing her – She did what she came to do

I think this poem pretty much says it all…

A Legacy of Love

A wife, a mother, a great friend too,
This is the legacy we have from you.
You taught us love and how to fight,
You gave us strength, you gave us might.
A stronger person would be hard to find,
And in your heart, you were always kind.
You fought for us all in one way or another,
Not just as a wife not just as a mother.
For all of us you gave your best,
Now the time has come for you to rest.
So go in peace, you've earned your sleep,
Your love in our hearts, we'll eternally keep.

Rest now princess, you will always be remembered and you will always live in our hearts for as long as we live. I love you so much.