It's all come to a head. Just let rip at Sharon about everything, because I just can't take anymore and really feel at the end of my tether. It may not have been the most constructive thing to do, but it's been coming for some time.
So, I told her. I unloaded on her. No punches pulled, just full flight. Everything that has been niggling, every ounce of hurt, anger, fear and confusion thrown in one huge mess. She repeatedly took offense at everything I said when I tried to sensibly raise the issue of how we have been communicating lately and after a few unnecessary comments and total denial, anger and defensive retorts, I lost my temper and let rip
She keeps asking me, "who do I think I am?" when I ask her to try to maintain a civil tone of voice, and saying how "outrageous" some of my comments have been lately, so I threw it back.
Three nights ago, she said I was selfish. Selfish? No f**king way am I selfish. I am the only one whos has been there, every hospital appointment, every treatment, every sleepless night, every tear, every rant and rave! Selfish, I think not. So I told her.
On Saturday, I was trying to keep out of her way and get 10 minutes peace and quiet. She said to me "All I ever see you do is lay around on MY bed!" - Oh really? That's when I am not at the hospital, sitting with her at night when she can't sleep, or when I'm not doing housework, or cooking meals, or trying to make her more comfortable, not to mention trying to hold down a job, and make sure we are all generally ok. So, she's wrong. So I told her.
So, I am now the biggest shit in the world. She has gone to Radiotherapy on her own. I said some really harsh things, so it's dead. It's done. Over. She has told me to "get the f**k out of her house", and thinks that I am totally out of order. So, that's it. I've tried everything. I just said to her - "If there is an us, tell me, if not, tell me. I can take any of this, but not if there is no US"
This may all seem really petty to casual readers, but believe me, when you are living someone who seems totaaly incapable of speaking to you in a civil tone of voice, who is constantly critical of your every move, and is constantly rude insulting and abusive, it soon becomes impossible to take, no matter what the circumstances. Sharon may have Cancer - surely it does'nt give her the right to treat me like s**t. It would be more bearable if she had the same attitude with everyone, but it's just me. Because I am the only one who knows. The only one there. The only one she can lash out at. Or perhaps I'm just not coping with it myself. Who knows, right now - I've had enough.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
I just want to go to bed!
Well, Sunday is drawing to a close, and things still are'nt any better. I have just narrowly avoided a row about why Sharon is not a coffee freak and how she does'nt like tiramisu! It just comes out of nowhere and when it comes I just try my best to bite my lip. As a result, I am now sat here in the lounge, when all I want to do is go to bed, but if I stay in the room with her, I will be subject to her angry attitude, and tonight, I'm just too tired to take it
We did have one funny moment today however. At 7pm Sharon's neice's 7yr old son turned up on the front door step - he had walked over 3 miles on his own to visit! As a result we had the chance to see Sharon's neice, for the first time in a while. Sharon did'nt explain why she has been out of circulation or the cancer though - I wish she would just tell someone, perhaps she would find this easier to deal with if she could share the burden a bit with a member of her family.
We did have one funny moment today however. At 7pm Sharon's neice's 7yr old son turned up on the front door step - he had walked over 3 miles on his own to visit! As a result we had the chance to see Sharon's neice, for the first time in a while. Sharon did'nt explain why she has been out of circulation or the cancer though - I wish she would just tell someone, perhaps she would find this easier to deal with if she could share the burden a bit with a member of her family.
Feeling down...
Having another crap day today. It has been like living in a minefield for the past couple of weeks. Sharon is really starting to feel the side effects from the Radio and Chemotherapy, and on top of it all, she is suffering from regular, rapid mood swings, making her unreasonable, irrational and almost impossible to live with.
One of the Macmillan team advised me to use a "walk away" strategy to try to gently encourage Sharon to deal with her emotions more constructively, and to allow me an escape from the ranting and raving when Sharon turns into GrouchyPants. Walking away, seems to make sense, try to diffuse the situation, and deny the opportunity to argue. It's VERY hard to do though, I can tell you. She is getting increasingly pissed of with me going out for an hour at least twice a day, and I am getting really bored with walking to my best friends house and unloading on them!
You hear a lot about the side effects or Chemo and Radiotherapy - nausea, vomitting, hairloss, infertility etc, but there are also the emotional and mental side effects - Depression, Feeling low, anger, insomnia or broken sleep patterns.
It's hard to explain, but if you can imagine what it's like living with a woman who has recently had a cancer diagnosis, suffering the side effects from both Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy, is in pain and finding it nearly impossible to get comfortable, and is also going through menopause caused by the treatment, and has extreme financial pressures due to the illnes as well, and I think you might get the general idea - Dealing with any one of these would be hard going - but ALL at once, I think she is at her wits end at the moment. I just wish I could help.
One of the Macmillan team advised me to use a "walk away" strategy to try to gently encourage Sharon to deal with her emotions more constructively, and to allow me an escape from the ranting and raving when Sharon turns into GrouchyPants. Walking away, seems to make sense, try to diffuse the situation, and deny the opportunity to argue. It's VERY hard to do though, I can tell you. She is getting increasingly pissed of with me going out for an hour at least twice a day, and I am getting really bored with walking to my best friends house and unloading on them!
You hear a lot about the side effects or Chemo and Radiotherapy - nausea, vomitting, hairloss, infertility etc, but there are also the emotional and mental side effects - Depression, Feeling low, anger, insomnia or broken sleep patterns.
It's hard to explain, but if you can imagine what it's like living with a woman who has recently had a cancer diagnosis, suffering the side effects from both Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy, is in pain and finding it nearly impossible to get comfortable, and is also going through menopause caused by the treatment, and has extreme financial pressures due to the illnes as well, and I think you might get the general idea - Dealing with any one of these would be hard going - but ALL at once, I think she is at her wits end at the moment. I just wish I could help.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
No control over anything...
I've been trying to find time to add a post for some time, but had my hands full. Sharon has just finished her 3rd week of Chemo and Radiotherapy. She's doing well, physically. The treatments are having side effects, but she is coping with them brilliantly. Emotionally, I'm not so sure. She has not yet talked about the cancer, she is just angry and confrontational all the time.
It's now 9 weeks since her diagnosis, and until 4 weeks ago, she had'nt even told her sons. Now, the only people who know what is going on are her 15yr and 20yr sons and me. She has'nt told any of her friends and family. So, we are all living a huge lie.
My job has gone pearshaped as I have been trying to work from home so I can provide emotional and practical supprt when she needs it, and my so-called employers have turned out to be the biggest pair of arseholes on the face of the planet.
When Sharon was diagnosed, she was scared of her sons finding out and of people discovering she had cancer. There were rumours flying around, originating from her work place, so I said to her that she had enough to deal with, to quit her job and I would take the financial strain so she could concentrate on her health and fighting the cancer. Since then, despite doing my best, my employers have not paid me the money I have earnt, so not only do we have the diagnosis and treatment to deal with, but also, unbelievable pressure over money too. We are down to our last £100 in the bank, and at this point have not idea where the next money is coming from.
I just feel like I have failed. I really tried to take some pressure off, but instead created more. Now all we do is row. When we should be fighting together, we are actually fighting each other.
To top it all off, Sharon has reached the angry stage of dealing with cancer, and as there is no-one else who knows, it's me who is getting the full force. EVERYTHING I do is wrong, we are arguing constantly. I just don't know if I can do this. I can cope with the practical side of this, I can cope with it all, but I can't cope with her anger. I'm so close to giving up. Just tired, tired of fighting, tired of sleepless nights, tired of chasing money, just so tired.
We'll be ok. If we can get through this, we'll be bulletproof, but it's just so hard.
It's now 9 weeks since her diagnosis, and until 4 weeks ago, she had'nt even told her sons. Now, the only people who know what is going on are her 15yr and 20yr sons and me. She has'nt told any of her friends and family. So, we are all living a huge lie.
My job has gone pearshaped as I have been trying to work from home so I can provide emotional and practical supprt when she needs it, and my so-called employers have turned out to be the biggest pair of arseholes on the face of the planet.
When Sharon was diagnosed, she was scared of her sons finding out and of people discovering she had cancer. There were rumours flying around, originating from her work place, so I said to her that she had enough to deal with, to quit her job and I would take the financial strain so she could concentrate on her health and fighting the cancer. Since then, despite doing my best, my employers have not paid me the money I have earnt, so not only do we have the diagnosis and treatment to deal with, but also, unbelievable pressure over money too. We are down to our last £100 in the bank, and at this point have not idea where the next money is coming from.
I just feel like I have failed. I really tried to take some pressure off, but instead created more. Now all we do is row. When we should be fighting together, we are actually fighting each other.
To top it all off, Sharon has reached the angry stage of dealing with cancer, and as there is no-one else who knows, it's me who is getting the full force. EVERYTHING I do is wrong, we are arguing constantly. I just don't know if I can do this. I can cope with the practical side of this, I can cope with it all, but I can't cope with her anger. I'm so close to giving up. Just tired, tired of fighting, tired of sleepless nights, tired of chasing money, just so tired.
We'll be ok. If we can get through this, we'll be bulletproof, but it's just so hard.
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