No control over anything...

I've been trying to find time to add a post for some time, but had my hands full. Sharon has just finished her 3rd week of Chemo and Radiotherapy. She's doing well, physically. The treatments are having side effects, but she is coping with them brilliantly. Emotionally, I'm not so sure. She has not yet talked about the cancer, she is just angry and confrontational all the time.

It's now 9 weeks since her diagnosis, and until 4 weeks ago, she had'nt even told her sons. Now, the only people who know what is going on are her 15yr and 20yr sons and me. She has'nt told any of her friends and family. So, we are all living a huge lie.

My job has gone pearshaped as I have been trying to work from home so I can provide emotional and practical supprt when she needs it, and my so-called employers have turned out to be the biggest pair of arseholes on the face of the planet.

When Sharon was diagnosed, she was scared of her sons finding out and of people discovering she had cancer. There were rumours flying around, originating from her work place, so I said to her that she had enough to deal with, to quit her job and I would take the financial strain so she could concentrate on her health and fighting the cancer. Since then, despite doing my best, my employers have not paid me the money I have earnt, so not only do we have the diagnosis and treatment to deal with, but also, unbelievable pressure over money too. We are down to our last £100 in the bank, and at this point have not idea where the next money is coming from.

I just feel like I have failed. I really tried to take some pressure off, but instead created more. Now all we do is row. When we should be fighting together, we are actually fighting each other.

To top it all off, Sharon has reached the angry stage of dealing with cancer, and as there is no-one else who knows, it's me who is getting the full force. EVERYTHING I do is wrong, we are arguing constantly. I just don't know if I can do this. I can cope with the practical side of this, I can cope with it all, but I can't cope with her anger. I'm so close to giving up. Just tired, tired of fighting, tired of sleepless nights, tired of chasing money, just so tired.

We'll be ok. If we can get through this, we'll be bulletproof, but it's just so hard.