Trying to be strong...

We went back to the hospital today, to get the results of Sharon's GFR test and so she could sign the consent forms for her next cycle of chemotherapy. That was hard. Last time she had to sign a release form it stated "disease management and possibly survival" as the reasons for treatment. This time it was simply "disease management".



Her next treatment is palliative, not curative, so it is purely to make her more comfortable and to keep the cancer at bay. I'm so scared for her, but can't show it. She is being positive, but I don't think she is ready to face the fact that she might not survive this. All I want is for her to be happy for as long as we have left.



I saw my doctor tonight, and he told me that I should not lose hope yet, and that although "palliative" chemo is unlikely to cure the cancer, it is still too soon to lose hope, and that although things do look bleak, it could be 6 months, or 10 years, there is no way of knowing.



I just feel so helpless. Sharon is my soulmate, I feel I have been looking for her my entire life, but now I've found her, we have to go through this. It's so unfair. I have been working so hard to raise the money for us to get a house, and for her to have nice things, but all it seems to have achieved is to keep the wolves at bay while we deal with her health.



She said to me last week, when we got home from the hospital after finding out the cancer had returned, that she would understand if I decided to walk away, but I can't. I love her, and I promised her the day she was diagnosed that I would be there for her, come what may. This is so hard, but it's easier than leaving her to go through this alone.

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A bit of a setback

Well, now we know. Sharon and I met with her specialist on Friday to get the results of her CT scan. It was horrible. We knew that something was wrong, but I don't think either of us was really expecting to hear that the cancer had returned somewhere other than where is started.



The specialist told us that the cancer has appear in her lymph nodes, and this is why she has been having the back pains that she has been suffering from for the past 2 or 3 months.



It was so painful watching her having to hear the news and how it is going to be dealt with. She has to go back for another cycle of chemo, this time with a mixture of two drugs, once every three weeks for 9 weeks.



I think the worst part of it for Sharon is that she knows that this time, she will definately lose her hair, which did'nt happen last time as it was'nt a common side effect for the drug they used, but this time, there is no way she will be able to keep her beautiful black locks. It's going to be heartbreaking watching her go through this again, but as long as she makes it, that's all that matters



The prognosis is not so good this time, only 20-25% chance of the treatment working. I just pray Sharon can stay positive and fight it. I just can't lose her.

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Trying to deal with the fear...

Sharon called me at work yesterday morning. She was crying. She'd just opened a letter from the hospital, saying an appointment had been made for her to see the specialist on Friday. So, it looks like the cancer has returned, as the specialist said we would not need to go back to the hospital for 2 months, unless anything abnormal showed up on the CT Scan results.

As soon as she told me, I turned off my laptop and rushed to get the first train back to Fareham. I felt so helpless hearing her cry and being nearly 3 hours away, and not being able to hold her when she needed it.

Today has been really hard, trying to be optimistic, trying to make light of the situation, and all the while dreading what the doctor is going to tell us tomorrow. I think the worst part is seeing her cry. Sharon has not really cried at all since her diagnosis 9 months ago, but today, it seems that all she can do is cry. It's heartbreaking. She is so strong, so courageous, and usually so tough, that to see her so upset is almost impossible to deal with. There is nothing I can do for her but listen and be there. I feel so helpless.

She's now laying next to me, sound asleep, which should do her good. I just pray she gets a good nights sleep. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, other than having to sit, feeling sick, in the waiting room, until called into the consultation room with the specialist and watching her be thrown back into the storm.

Please, let it be that the results aren't that bad, that there is still hope. Please.

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Still together, after everything...

Well, where to begin? It's been a hard couple of months since my last post, Sharon is in remission, on the road to recovery, and although we still rarely get a solid nights sleep, things seem to be getting better, at last!



So much has happened since my last post, it's hard to know where to begin, and with so much stress and strain it's hard to remember yesterday sometimes, let alone the last 3 months. It's still hard, we are still living the in the shadow of the cancer, but lately things seem to be getting easier.



Sharon is still suffering, she gets really bad back pain, which as yet, we don't know the cause of, but we think it's just the result of the combined chemotherapy and radiotherapy, as well as the fact she has not been drinking enough liquids. She had a check-up last week, after having a CT Scan, but the results were not ready, so no news yet - The specialist said that her back pains could be a sign of the cancer returning, but he would call us if so, if not, he made an appointment for her to go back for her next check-up in June. He told us he was having a meeting with his team yesterday, so we would hear from him if there was anything abnormal in the scan, but no call, so fingers crossed, this is good news!



It's so hard to watch Sharon go through this. As we were only together for four months before her diagnosis, we hardly knew each other, and we were forced together by the situtation. We have both agreed, that if it wasn't for the cancer, there is no way I would have moved in with her this soon, if at all, so it's difficult sometimes to know how best to help her, as we are still learning about each other, and with the health, and financial pressures, as well as family issues caused in the aftermath of her illness, it's a steep learning curve. All I do know is that I am crazy about her, and we WILL get through this. We just have to believe.



Work is looking up, I rejoined Streamcity in January, but commuting to London from Portsmouth each day is really hard, it's a 120 mile round trip on the train every day, and after being up half the night with Sharon, then getting the train at 6.45 am, I have been shattered pretty much constantly for the last 3 months! But, I had a result a couple of weeks ago, I was offered a great job, with a great company, just 2 stops down the track! So hopefully things will get easier. I start on the 1st of May, with www.jobsite.com as a web developer - They are the 3rd biggest recruitment website in Europe, and a Times Top 100 company to work for, so hopefully, it will be a good career move, and Sharon, Kevin, Lewis and I can start to rebuild after the hellish 8 months we have had. We are starting to save for the deposit on a house, but it's a struggle as we have got ourselves into debt during Sharon's illness and treatment.



So, all in all, things seem to be getting better, thank god. It's still early days, it's still a day to day slog, and we are both still recovering, but despite it all, we are still together - That's got to mean something eh?

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