Sharon and I are now married! She was awesome today. This morning the solicitor came to the hospice to help Sharon write her will. It was very hard for her, as she is really sleepy because of the anti-sickness drugs she is taking. One the solicitor left, she slipped back to sleep.
The doctor, nurses and myself were all doubtful that Sharon would even be able to make the wedding. The doctor changed the formula of her drugs to try to reduce the sedative effects, but none of us were really sure she would be able to go through with the wedding ceremony, booked for 5pm.
Then at 4.15pm, she woke up, and said, "come on then, I'm getting married... bring it on!". The girls turned up at 4.30pm and helped Sharon put her wig and make-up on, and bought a nice top over for her to wear. My friends had my suit dry-cleaned and bought it over to the hospice and at 5pm, Sharon and I got married. She was never one to say romantic stuff, and used to tell me "oh stop it soppy bollox" when I said romantic stuff to her, but I KNOW, she loves me. The way she rallied today to get up and get married tells me that. She was so happy.
The service was bitter-sweet, it was a goodbye for many of the people who attended, and a last moment of being happy and laughing with Sharon for us all.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Organising the wedding...
Been to the Registrars today, managed to organise a special dispensation on the Marriage so we don't have to wait 15 days to get married. Got the wedding rings sorted too.
When I walked back into the hospice I said to Sharon, "hey you, we is getting married tommorow!" and her face lit up, it was a nice moment. As she is so poorly now, we will not be able to go the whole nine yards, but her friends are coming over to the hospice tommorow to help her get ready, and I have got friends and family organising a wedding cake, flowers, buttonholes etc.
I'm really happy that we are getting married, but it should'nt be like this. I wanted so much more for us, and her cancer has stolen it all. But, at the end of the day, we still have eah other, despite everything, we love each other.
When I walked back into the hospice I said to Sharon, "hey you, we is getting married tommorow!" and her face lit up, it was a nice moment. As she is so poorly now, we will not be able to go the whole nine yards, but her friends are coming over to the hospice tommorow to help her get ready, and I have got friends and family organising a wedding cake, flowers, buttonholes etc.
I'm really happy that we are getting married, but it should'nt be like this. I wanted so much more for us, and her cancer has stolen it all. But, at the end of the day, we still have eah other, despite everything, we love each other.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Moving Day...
Today, Sharon is being moved to the hospice. I'm so scared. Sharon is having a really hard time dealing with this, and we can't seem to be able to talk about it at all. When the time comes.
We are definately getting married, Sharon has chosen her dress and plans are afoot for wedding dress, bridesmaids etc. I have my doubts about whether we will be able to organise everything in time, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Just one day of making her happy. That's all that matters now, nothing else.
We are definately getting married, Sharon has chosen her dress and plans are afoot for wedding dress, bridesmaids etc. I have my doubts about whether we will be able to organise everything in time, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Just one day of making her happy. That's all that matters now, nothing else.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Moving too fast
Sharon has cancer in her liver. Usually, when a couple go for an unltrasound scan, it's for a good thing, checking out a new baby. For us, it was different. I held her hand, and stood watching the screen and seeing the cancer in her liver. Chemo has been stopped. Sharon has been referred to The Rowans Hospice for specialist palliative care, and she will moved to the Hospice as soon as a bed becomes available. The aim is to provide 2 weeks of rehab to help her control her pain and manage her symptoms, then she can come home. Everything is just falling apart.
I had to tell her 2 sons that their mum was terminally ill today. She just could'nt do it, so I did it for her. It was so hard.
I'm going to lose her.
I had to tell her 2 sons that their mum was terminally ill today. She just could'nt do it, so I did it for her. It was so hard.
I'm going to lose her.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Freefalling...
Everything is in freefall now. I am sat here, in the dark, in a hospital ward, with Sharon asleep in the bed next to me. We came to the hospital yesterday, for clinic and then chemo, but as Sharon is not strong enough for chemo, it's been stopped, maybe deferred, depending on Sharons strength. They have admitted her, probably until Monday, maybe more, because her calcium levels are too high and they are concerned about her liver function.
I was told on Monday "months, not years, - 6, 12, maybe 24 months" - Yesterday I was told the calcium and liver problems are signs that Sharon's condition is terminal, and we don't have long now. It just feels like everything is unravelling.
I was talking to one of the nursing staff about our wedding plans, and how my best friend will be unable to be best man as he will be overseas for the next 3 months, and she agreed when I said I felt we could'nt afford to wait that long, and that if we are going to get married, it should be as soon as possible, so we at least have a little time to enjoy it, and that Sharon is well enough to enjoy getting hitched.
One happy day, that's not too much to ask is it?
She is having real difficulties dealing with this. It's just blown her mind, and that makes this so much harder. She is so scared, and angry, but in true Sharon style, she is just buttoned up tight, and just not talking about it at all. If I try to approach the subject, she shuts down, becomes surly, angry and bitchy. I just want to reach out to her and drag her back to me, back from abyss she is looking into.
I know, that the cold truth is, she has to do part of this alone. But until that time comes, I really hope that she will find peace with herself, and come to terms with this, because if she can, then I can hold her hand and be there for her, with her, and I can talk with her, and tell her how I feel, because there are so many things I've not had the time to share with her
I was told on Monday "months, not years, - 6, 12, maybe 24 months" - Yesterday I was told the calcium and liver problems are signs that Sharon's condition is terminal, and we don't have long now. It just feels like everything is unravelling.
I was talking to one of the nursing staff about our wedding plans, and how my best friend will be unable to be best man as he will be overseas for the next 3 months, and she agreed when I said I felt we could'nt afford to wait that long, and that if we are going to get married, it should be as soon as possible, so we at least have a little time to enjoy it, and that Sharon is well enough to enjoy getting hitched.
One happy day, that's not too much to ask is it?
She is having real difficulties dealing with this. It's just blown her mind, and that makes this so much harder. She is so scared, and angry, but in true Sharon style, she is just buttoned up tight, and just not talking about it at all. If I try to approach the subject, she shuts down, becomes surly, angry and bitchy. I just want to reach out to her and drag her back to me, back from abyss she is looking into.
I know, that the cold truth is, she has to do part of this alone. But until that time comes, I really hope that she will find peace with herself, and come to terms with this, because if she can, then I can hold her hand and be there for her, with her, and I can talk with her, and tell her how I feel, because there are so many things I've not had the time to share with her
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Life is so unfair
I've not posted for about three weeks, because Sharon has been so poorly. She picked up an infection after her last cycle of chemo, and as a result has spent 9 days over the last 3 weeks in hospital, and when she has been at home she has been so ill I have had to do everything for her, so I have'nt had time to make any posts.
Things are looking bleak now. Although when the cancer came back, her specialist told us there was a 20% chance of survival, I tried to be optimistic, but I got the true picture on Monday, when I had a word with one of the medical staff on the ward at the hospital, and I asked her to explain the term "palliative chemotherapy". I knew that the cancer was not curable, but thought the chemo could manage the symptoms indefinately. This is not the case.
Months, not years. That's all. Months. The specialist told me it could be 6, 12 or even 24 months, but not much more than that.
Sharon has not talked about what she wants if she does'nt make it, as she is still thinking it will all be alright, but one of us has to be practical. While I understand that her way of dealing with this is denial, I have to think about the future, for her sons, and for myself.
I tried to talk to her about this, and she asked me if the doctors where going to give her some news at clinic on Friday, and I said I didnt know, but then she asked me if the doctors knew how she has left, and I could'nt lie to her. I just said yes. I felt like I had punched her. I hate having to carry this and try to be strong for her, when I can't talk about it with her as she just cannot face it yet.
She cried, and I just had to sit there and be strong, and hold my tears at bay, as she needs me to hold it together. She is terrified. She does'nt want any more information yet, but I think she knows, deep down that things are not looking very hopeful.
She has said she wants me to take care of the boys for her if she does'nt make it. I have promised her that I will, no matter how hard it will be, I will be there for them, if she can't be.
All I want now, is for her to be happy, and if possible, to be well for a while, although at the moment, that does'nt look likely as she is so weak and poorly, and with more chemo tommorow, she will probably be even more unwell next week as the chemo does it's stuff.
We have talked about getting married, while we still can, so I am struggling to find some work to raise the money, but that's hard as I am spending all my time looking after her, but we'll make that happen, that's all we have left now, just a short time to be happy and together.
Life is just so unfair. I've waited my whole life for her, and now, after only being with her for 16 months, I'm told I'm going to lose her.
Things are looking bleak now. Although when the cancer came back, her specialist told us there was a 20% chance of survival, I tried to be optimistic, but I got the true picture on Monday, when I had a word with one of the medical staff on the ward at the hospital, and I asked her to explain the term "palliative chemotherapy". I knew that the cancer was not curable, but thought the chemo could manage the symptoms indefinately. This is not the case.
Months, not years. That's all. Months. The specialist told me it could be 6, 12 or even 24 months, but not much more than that.
Sharon has not talked about what she wants if she does'nt make it, as she is still thinking it will all be alright, but one of us has to be practical. While I understand that her way of dealing with this is denial, I have to think about the future, for her sons, and for myself.
I tried to talk to her about this, and she asked me if the doctors where going to give her some news at clinic on Friday, and I said I didnt know, but then she asked me if the doctors knew how she has left, and I could'nt lie to her. I just said yes. I felt like I had punched her. I hate having to carry this and try to be strong for her, when I can't talk about it with her as she just cannot face it yet.
She cried, and I just had to sit there and be strong, and hold my tears at bay, as she needs me to hold it together. She is terrified. She does'nt want any more information yet, but I think she knows, deep down that things are not looking very hopeful.
She has said she wants me to take care of the boys for her if she does'nt make it. I have promised her that I will, no matter how hard it will be, I will be there for them, if she can't be.
All I want now, is for her to be happy, and if possible, to be well for a while, although at the moment, that does'nt look likely as she is so weak and poorly, and with more chemo tommorow, she will probably be even more unwell next week as the chemo does it's stuff.
We have talked about getting married, while we still can, so I am struggling to find some work to raise the money, but that's hard as I am spending all my time looking after her, but we'll make that happen, that's all we have left now, just a short time to be happy and together.
Life is just so unfair. I've waited my whole life for her, and now, after only being with her for 16 months, I'm told I'm going to lose her.
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