Freefalling...

Everything is in freefall now. I am sat here, in the dark, in a hospital ward, with Sharon asleep in the bed next to me. We came to the hospital yesterday, for clinic and then chemo, but as Sharon is not strong enough for chemo, it's been stopped, maybe deferred, depending on Sharons strength. They have admitted her, probably until Monday, maybe more, because her calcium levels are too high and they are concerned about her liver function.

I was told on Monday "months, not years, - 6, 12, maybe 24 months" - Yesterday I was told the calcium and liver problems are signs that Sharon's condition is terminal, and we don't have long now. It just feels like everything is unravelling.

I was talking to one of the nursing staff about our wedding plans, and how my best friend will be unable to be best man as he will be overseas for the next 3 months, and she agreed when I said I felt we could'nt afford to wait that long, and that if we are going to get married, it should be as soon as possible, so we at least have a little time to enjoy it, and that Sharon is well enough to enjoy getting hitched.

One happy day, that's not too much to ask is it?

She is having real difficulties dealing with this. It's just blown her mind, and that makes this so much harder. She is so scared, and angry, but in true Sharon style, she is just buttoned up tight, and just not talking about it at all. If I try to approach the subject, she shuts down, becomes surly, angry and bitchy. I just want to reach out to her and drag her back to me, back from abyss she is looking into.

I know, that the cold truth is, she has to do part of this alone. But until that time comes, I really hope that she will find peace with herself, and come to terms with this, because if she can, then I can hold her hand and be there for her, with her, and I can talk with her, and tell her how I feel, because there are so many things I've not had the time to share with her