I've not posted for about three weeks, because Sharon has been so poorly. She picked up an infection after her last cycle of chemo, and as a result has spent 9 days over the last 3 weeks in hospital, and when she has been at home she has been so ill I have had to do everything for her, so I have'nt had time to make any posts.
Things are looking bleak now. Although when the cancer came back, her specialist told us there was a 20% chance of survival, I tried to be optimistic, but I got the true picture on Monday, when I had a word with one of the medical staff on the ward at the hospital, and I asked her to explain the term "palliative chemotherapy". I knew that the cancer was not curable, but thought the chemo could manage the symptoms indefinately. This is not the case.
Months, not years. That's all. Months. The specialist told me it could be 6, 12 or even 24 months, but not much more than that.
Sharon has not talked about what she wants if she does'nt make it, as she is still thinking it will all be alright, but one of us has to be practical. While I understand that her way of dealing with this is denial, I have to think about the future, for her sons, and for myself.
I tried to talk to her about this, and she asked me if the doctors where going to give her some news at clinic on Friday, and I said I didnt know, but then she asked me if the doctors knew how she has left, and I could'nt lie to her. I just said yes. I felt like I had punched her. I hate having to carry this and try to be strong for her, when I can't talk about it with her as she just cannot face it yet.
She cried, and I just had to sit there and be strong, and hold my tears at bay, as she needs me to hold it together. She is terrified. She does'nt want any more information yet, but I think she knows, deep down that things are not looking very hopeful.
She has said she wants me to take care of the boys for her if she does'nt make it. I have promised her that I will, no matter how hard it will be, I will be there for them, if she can't be.
All I want now, is for her to be happy, and if possible, to be well for a while, although at the moment, that does'nt look likely as she is so weak and poorly, and with more chemo tommorow, she will probably be even more unwell next week as the chemo does it's stuff.
We have talked about getting married, while we still can, so I am struggling to find some work to raise the money, but that's hard as I am spending all my time looking after her, but we'll make that happen, that's all we have left now, just a short time to be happy and together.
Life is just so unfair. I've waited my whole life for her, and now, after only being with her for 16 months, I'm told I'm going to lose her.
Things are looking bleak now. Although when the cancer came back, her specialist told us there was a 20% chance of survival, I tried to be optimistic, but I got the true picture on Monday, when I had a word with one of the medical staff on the ward at the hospital, and I asked her to explain the term "palliative chemotherapy". I knew that the cancer was not curable, but thought the chemo could manage the symptoms indefinately. This is not the case.
Months, not years. That's all. Months. The specialist told me it could be 6, 12 or even 24 months, but not much more than that.
Sharon has not talked about what she wants if she does'nt make it, as she is still thinking it will all be alright, but one of us has to be practical. While I understand that her way of dealing with this is denial, I have to think about the future, for her sons, and for myself.
I tried to talk to her about this, and she asked me if the doctors where going to give her some news at clinic on Friday, and I said I didnt know, but then she asked me if the doctors knew how she has left, and I could'nt lie to her. I just said yes. I felt like I had punched her. I hate having to carry this and try to be strong for her, when I can't talk about it with her as she just cannot face it yet.
She cried, and I just had to sit there and be strong, and hold my tears at bay, as she needs me to hold it together. She is terrified. She does'nt want any more information yet, but I think she knows, deep down that things are not looking very hopeful.
She has said she wants me to take care of the boys for her if she does'nt make it. I have promised her that I will, no matter how hard it will be, I will be there for them, if she can't be.
All I want now, is for her to be happy, and if possible, to be well for a while, although at the moment, that does'nt look likely as she is so weak and poorly, and with more chemo tommorow, she will probably be even more unwell next week as the chemo does it's stuff.
We have talked about getting married, while we still can, so I am struggling to find some work to raise the money, but that's hard as I am spending all my time looking after her, but we'll make that happen, that's all we have left now, just a short time to be happy and together.
Life is just so unfair. I've waited my whole life for her, and now, after only being with her for 16 months, I'm told I'm going to lose her.
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