Trying to be strong...

We went back to the hospital today, to get the results of Sharon's GFR test and so she could sign the consent forms for her next cycle of chemotherapy. That was hard. Last time she had to sign a release form it stated "disease management and possibly survival" as the reasons for treatment. This time it was simply "disease management".



Her next treatment is palliative, not curative, so it is purely to make her more comfortable and to keep the cancer at bay. I'm so scared for her, but can't show it. She is being positive, but I don't think she is ready to face the fact that she might not survive this. All I want is for her to be happy for as long as we have left.



I saw my doctor tonight, and he told me that I should not lose hope yet, and that although "palliative" chemo is unlikely to cure the cancer, it is still too soon to lose hope, and that although things do look bleak, it could be 6 months, or 10 years, there is no way of knowing.



I just feel so helpless. Sharon is my soulmate, I feel I have been looking for her my entire life, but now I've found her, we have to go through this. It's so unfair. I have been working so hard to raise the money for us to get a house, and for her to have nice things, but all it seems to have achieved is to keep the wolves at bay while we deal with her health.



She said to me last week, when we got home from the hospital after finding out the cancer had returned, that she would understand if I decided to walk away, but I can't. I love her, and I promised her the day she was diagnosed that I would be there for her, come what may. This is so hard, but it's easier than leaving her to go through this alone.

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A bit of a setback

Well, now we know. Sharon and I met with her specialist on Friday to get the results of her CT scan. It was horrible. We knew that something was wrong, but I don't think either of us was really expecting to hear that the cancer had returned somewhere other than where is started.



The specialist told us that the cancer has appear in her lymph nodes, and this is why she has been having the back pains that she has been suffering from for the past 2 or 3 months.



It was so painful watching her having to hear the news and how it is going to be dealt with. She has to go back for another cycle of chemo, this time with a mixture of two drugs, once every three weeks for 9 weeks.



I think the worst part of it for Sharon is that she knows that this time, she will definately lose her hair, which did'nt happen last time as it was'nt a common side effect for the drug they used, but this time, there is no way she will be able to keep her beautiful black locks. It's going to be heartbreaking watching her go through this again, but as long as she makes it, that's all that matters



The prognosis is not so good this time, only 20-25% chance of the treatment working. I just pray Sharon can stay positive and fight it. I just can't lose her.

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Trying to deal with the fear...

Sharon called me at work yesterday morning. She was crying. She'd just opened a letter from the hospital, saying an appointment had been made for her to see the specialist on Friday. So, it looks like the cancer has returned, as the specialist said we would not need to go back to the hospital for 2 months, unless anything abnormal showed up on the CT Scan results.

As soon as she told me, I turned off my laptop and rushed to get the first train back to Fareham. I felt so helpless hearing her cry and being nearly 3 hours away, and not being able to hold her when she needed it.

Today has been really hard, trying to be optimistic, trying to make light of the situation, and all the while dreading what the doctor is going to tell us tomorrow. I think the worst part is seeing her cry. Sharon has not really cried at all since her diagnosis 9 months ago, but today, it seems that all she can do is cry. It's heartbreaking. She is so strong, so courageous, and usually so tough, that to see her so upset is almost impossible to deal with. There is nothing I can do for her but listen and be there. I feel so helpless.

She's now laying next to me, sound asleep, which should do her good. I just pray she gets a good nights sleep. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, other than having to sit, feeling sick, in the waiting room, until called into the consultation room with the specialist and watching her be thrown back into the storm.

Please, let it be that the results aren't that bad, that there is still hope. Please.

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Still together, after everything...

Well, where to begin? It's been a hard couple of months since my last post, Sharon is in remission, on the road to recovery, and although we still rarely get a solid nights sleep, things seem to be getting better, at last!



So much has happened since my last post, it's hard to know where to begin, and with so much stress and strain it's hard to remember yesterday sometimes, let alone the last 3 months. It's still hard, we are still living the in the shadow of the cancer, but lately things seem to be getting easier.



Sharon is still suffering, she gets really bad back pain, which as yet, we don't know the cause of, but we think it's just the result of the combined chemotherapy and radiotherapy, as well as the fact she has not been drinking enough liquids. She had a check-up last week, after having a CT Scan, but the results were not ready, so no news yet - The specialist said that her back pains could be a sign of the cancer returning, but he would call us if so, if not, he made an appointment for her to go back for her next check-up in June. He told us he was having a meeting with his team yesterday, so we would hear from him if there was anything abnormal in the scan, but no call, so fingers crossed, this is good news!



It's so hard to watch Sharon go through this. As we were only together for four months before her diagnosis, we hardly knew each other, and we were forced together by the situtation. We have both agreed, that if it wasn't for the cancer, there is no way I would have moved in with her this soon, if at all, so it's difficult sometimes to know how best to help her, as we are still learning about each other, and with the health, and financial pressures, as well as family issues caused in the aftermath of her illness, it's a steep learning curve. All I do know is that I am crazy about her, and we WILL get through this. We just have to believe.



Work is looking up, I rejoined Streamcity in January, but commuting to London from Portsmouth each day is really hard, it's a 120 mile round trip on the train every day, and after being up half the night with Sharon, then getting the train at 6.45 am, I have been shattered pretty much constantly for the last 3 months! But, I had a result a couple of weeks ago, I was offered a great job, with a great company, just 2 stops down the track! So hopefully things will get easier. I start on the 1st of May, with www.jobsite.com as a web developer - They are the 3rd biggest recruitment website in Europe, and a Times Top 100 company to work for, so hopefully, it will be a good career move, and Sharon, Kevin, Lewis and I can start to rebuild after the hellish 8 months we have had. We are starting to save for the deposit on a house, but it's a struggle as we have got ourselves into debt during Sharon's illness and treatment.



So, all in all, things seem to be getting better, thank god. It's still early days, it's still a day to day slog, and we are both still recovering, but despite it all, we are still together - That's got to mean something eh?

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Trying again...

Well, try as I might, I just can't give up on Sharon. I love her, and have promised her I will do ANYTHING it takes to get through this with her. Things are still pretty tense, but no more or less than they have been lately.

More radiotherapy this afternoon. She is very tired, and has bad trapped wind and generally feeling like shit as far as I can tell, night-times seem the worst, sitting up with her all hours, rubbing her back when she needs it or massaging her legs when she gets "chemo-legs", which make her legs spasm and shake, and massaging them seems to help.

Her eating habits are shot to bits as well, bowls of Ready Brek at 3 am, Wheatabix at 4 am, and generally just picking at stuff whenever she needs to.

Enough is enough...

It's all come to a head. Just let rip at Sharon about everything, because I just can't take anymore and really feel at the end of my tether. It may not have been the most constructive thing to do, but it's been coming for some time.

So, I told her. I unloaded on her. No punches pulled, just full flight. Everything that has been niggling, every ounce of hurt, anger, fear and confusion thrown in one huge mess. She repeatedly took offense at everything I said when I tried to sensibly raise the issue of how we have been communicating lately and after a few unnecessary comments and total denial, anger and defensive retorts, I lost my temper and let rip

She keeps asking me, "who do I think I am?" when I ask her to try to maintain a civil tone of voice, and saying how "outrageous" some of my comments have been lately, so I threw it back.

Three nights ago, she said I was selfish. Selfish? No f**king way am I selfish. I am the only one whos has been there, every hospital appointment, every treatment, every sleepless night, every tear, every rant and rave! Selfish, I think not. So I told her.

On Saturday, I was trying to keep out of her way and get 10 minutes peace and quiet. She said to me "All I ever see you do is lay around on MY bed!" - Oh really? That's when I am not at the hospital, sitting with her at night when she can't sleep, or when I'm not doing housework, or cooking meals, or trying to make her more comfortable, not to mention trying to hold down a job, and make sure we are all generally ok. So, she's wrong. So I told her.

So, I am now the biggest shit in the world. She has gone to Radiotherapy on her own. I said some really harsh things, so it's dead. It's done. Over. She has told me to "get the f**k out of her house", and thinks that I am totally out of order. So, that's it. I've tried everything. I just said to her - "If there is an us, tell me, if not, tell me. I can take any of this, but not if there is no US"

This may all seem really petty to casual readers, but believe me, when you are living someone who seems totaaly incapable of speaking to you in a civil tone of voice, who is constantly critical of your every move, and is constantly rude insulting and abusive, it soon becomes impossible to take, no matter what the circumstances. Sharon may have Cancer - surely it does'nt give her the right to treat me like s**t. It would be more bearable if she had the same attitude with everyone, but it's just me. Because I am the only one who knows. The only one there. The only one she can lash out at. Or perhaps I'm just not coping with it myself. Who knows, right now - I've had enough.

I just want to go to bed!

Well, Sunday is drawing to a close, and things still are'nt any better. I have just narrowly avoided a row about why Sharon is not a coffee freak and how she does'nt like tiramisu! It just comes out of nowhere and when it comes I just try my best to bite my lip. As a result, I am now sat here in the lounge, when all I want to do is go to bed, but if I stay in the room with her, I will be subject to her angry attitude, and tonight, I'm just too tired to take it

We did have one funny moment today however. At 7pm Sharon's neice's 7yr old son turned up on the front door step - he had walked over 3 miles on his own to visit! As a result we had the chance to see Sharon's neice, for the first time in a while. Sharon did'nt explain why she has been out of circulation or the cancer though - I wish she would just tell someone, perhaps she would find this easier to deal with if she could share the burden a bit with a member of her family.

Feeling down...

Having another crap day today. It has been like living in a minefield for the past couple of weeks. Sharon is really starting to feel the side effects from the Radio and Chemotherapy, and on top of it all, she is suffering from regular, rapid mood swings, making her unreasonable, irrational and almost impossible to live with.

One of the Macmillan team advised me to use a "walk away" strategy to try to gently encourage Sharon to deal with her emotions more constructively, and to allow me an escape from the ranting and raving when Sharon turns into GrouchyPants. Walking away, seems to make sense, try to diffuse the situation, and deny the opportunity to argue. It's VERY hard to do though, I can tell you. She is getting increasingly pissed of with me going out for an hour at least twice a day, and I am getting really bored with walking to my best friends house and unloading on them!

You hear a lot about the side effects or Chemo and Radiotherapy - nausea, vomitting, hairloss, infertility etc, but there are also the emotional and mental side effects - Depression, Feeling low, anger, insomnia or broken sleep patterns.

It's hard to explain, but if you can imagine what it's like living with a woman who has recently had a cancer diagnosis, suffering the side effects from both Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy, is in pain and finding it nearly impossible to get comfortable, and is also going through menopause caused by the treatment, and has extreme financial pressures due to the illnes as well, and I think you might get the general idea - Dealing with any one of these would be hard going - but ALL at once, I think she is at her wits end at the moment. I just wish I could help.

No control over anything...

I've been trying to find time to add a post for some time, but had my hands full. Sharon has just finished her 3rd week of Chemo and Radiotherapy. She's doing well, physically. The treatments are having side effects, but she is coping with them brilliantly. Emotionally, I'm not so sure. She has not yet talked about the cancer, she is just angry and confrontational all the time.

It's now 9 weeks since her diagnosis, and until 4 weeks ago, she had'nt even told her sons. Now, the only people who know what is going on are her 15yr and 20yr sons and me. She has'nt told any of her friends and family. So, we are all living a huge lie.

My job has gone pearshaped as I have been trying to work from home so I can provide emotional and practical supprt when she needs it, and my so-called employers have turned out to be the biggest pair of arseholes on the face of the planet.

When Sharon was diagnosed, she was scared of her sons finding out and of people discovering she had cancer. There were rumours flying around, originating from her work place, so I said to her that she had enough to deal with, to quit her job and I would take the financial strain so she could concentrate on her health and fighting the cancer. Since then, despite doing my best, my employers have not paid me the money I have earnt, so not only do we have the diagnosis and treatment to deal with, but also, unbelievable pressure over money too. We are down to our last £100 in the bank, and at this point have not idea where the next money is coming from.

I just feel like I have failed. I really tried to take some pressure off, but instead created more. Now all we do is row. When we should be fighting together, we are actually fighting each other.

To top it all off, Sharon has reached the angry stage of dealing with cancer, and as there is no-one else who knows, it's me who is getting the full force. EVERYTHING I do is wrong, we are arguing constantly. I just don't know if I can do this. I can cope with the practical side of this, I can cope with it all, but I can't cope with her anger. I'm so close to giving up. Just tired, tired of fighting, tired of sleepless nights, tired of chasing money, just so tired.

We'll be ok. If we can get through this, we'll be bulletproof, but it's just so hard.

Trying to cope...

We have been together for 5 months, and until the diagnosis, everything seemed to just "fall into place" - Then on the 6th July, the world got ripped apart.

Everything seems to be coming unravelled, spiralling out of control. I have been to every appointment with her, every treatment, seen every tear, as well as crying a few of my own, but as well as trying to deal with cancer, everything else is going pear-shaped too - As I have been working from home to try to provide emotional and practical support, my job has suffered, and my employers now owe me over £2000, my mother is being a nightmare and has forced Sharon and I to make huge decisions without having the time to seriously consider the consequences.

I have now moved in with Sharon and her 2 teenaged sons and the pressure is becoming unbearable - Sharon does not seem to want, or be able to talk about cancer and what it is doing to her life,my life, OUR life, the only people who know are me and her sons, and as a result we seem to be living a huge lie. She is becoming increasingly angry and confrontational to me when she feels well, but when the treatment knocks her sideways the only one who is there for her is me, as she is trying to protect her kids, her friends don't know and she has no real family to speak of.

It's just so hard to cope with her anger. I can't help asking her "are you ok babe?" when she looks tired or ill, but she sees it as fussing and being "in her face", we just seem to be rowing all the time, the only time she seems to have the ability to speak to me with a civil tone of voice is when there are other people around, but when we are on our own, it just falls apart.

Please help me. I am trying my best to be here for her, but don't know how much longer I can do this on my own, I just need some advice on how to cope with this constant pressure, and how to be what she needs.

Where to begin?

It's hard to know where to start, I met Sharon just over 7 months ago, and knew instantly that I wanted to get to know her more. I had seen her around on a few occasions, but never had the guts to walk up and introduce myself.

Then, one afternoon, I was in my local pub and had one of the local idiots talking at me, when I saw her sitting with a mutual friend and saw the chance I had been waiting for. She has told me since she thought I was a bit of a nutter, the way I came bounding over and made my presence felt, but, we hit it off, despite her initial doubts.

Since then, everything seem to "fall into place". She introduced me to her teenaged sons, both of whom I seemed to hit it off with, we just seemed to click, and be able to just "be ourselves" when around each other, and despite a few hiccups along the way, we began to plan a future together, planning getting a house together, and having a better life.

Then, in the beginning of July, everything changed. Ever since we met, Sharon had regularly complained of stomach aches, and I had repeatedly asked her to go to the doctor and get herselft checked out, but she never did, until one night after making love, we found blood on the bed sheets.

The 2 days later, she made an appointment at the doctors, who, when she examined Sharon discovered an anomaly, and refered Sharon to a gynaecology specialist. It was frightening how fast everything moved from that point. Within a couple of days, a letter arrived with an appointment to see the consultant. Obviously, she was worried, and I went along to the appointment with her. Once she had seen the specialist, she came out to the waiting room and asked me to follow her upstairs in the hospital, where she had a biopsy carried out.

Then, after a half-hour or so wait, she was called into the consultants office, and, I was asked to accompany her. In that room, everything changed.

They say, "1 in 3 people will, at some time in their lives, be touched by cancer". Well, let me tell you something. Cancer does'nt touch you, it totally devastates everything. Hearing the consultant say "I'm sorry, I have found a tumour" was like being tied to a chair, and being made to watch her being beaten with a baseball bat, and be totally unable to do anything.

Sharon's prognosis is hopeful, compared to some. She has a 60% chance of survival, but it does'nt stop the fear, guilt, anger, rage, worry, or despair.

This blog is'nt about feeling sorry for Sharon. Or myself. It's just a way to vent my feelings, and, I'd like to think it might help someone else out there going through a similar experience.