A tribute to Sharon

For those of you that knew Sharon, I have set up a memorial site on GoneTooSoon. If you'd like to light a candle for her, or leave a message, go to her memorial site here...

I am still missing her so much, but have spent the last two days sober and trying to get my act together. I know she does not want me falling apart, and she needs to me to carry on being strong for her.

I miss her so much

It's really not getting any easier. I still seem to be getting drunk every day, and staying in the flat for too long really brings it home. I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that I am never going to hold my Sharon again. It just hurts so much.

I know I really should be going back to work, but I just can't face anything right now. If I don't go to the pub I just curl up in bed.

Maybe I should start taking the anti-depressants again. I think I will got the doctors tommorow, see if I can get some help, because I really feel like I am losing my grip.

Trying to cope without her...

I have spent the last 12 days drunk. I miss her so much. She was the centre of my universe from the day we met, and even more so for the last year as I have walked beside her, helping her fight the cancer.

And now, she's gone. I'm trying to cope, but I am just devastated. For the last year I have been trying to keep her spirits up saying things like "come on babe, just get well, then we can get married, move into a new house and have nice things", and "hang in there princess, you can beat this...it's all going to be alright", and to be honest, although I knew deep down that I would lose her, I just could'nt lose hope.

But now, there is no hope. No Sharon, nothing is left, just wreckage.

I walked with her as far as I could, but in the end, she had to go. I know that. I know she gave it her best shot - WE gave it our best shot, but it was just bigger than both of us.

No more pain, no more suffering for my princess

Now, I am trying to carry on for her, for her boys, my step sons. We gave her a good send-off. Over 100 people attended her funeral and a good 60 people came to the wake. We had a huge party, to celebrate her life and remember the love and laughter she brought to our lives.

In her will, she asked me to be Lewis' guardian until he is old enough to stand on his own two feet, and I promised her before she died I would look after both her sons as if they were my own. I made my commitment to all three of them, not just her, and now she has died, that commitment still stands. I don't know how, but somehow, the three men in her life wil muddle through without her. It's what she wanted.

I will continue to post on this blog as we move forward, as I'm sure sometimes I will need to get stuff off of my chest.

Sharon's Eulogy

Where to begin?

I’ve tried to understand why Sharon had to leave us, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever will, but, I do know that Sharon did what she came to do.

She raised two great sons, who don’t do drugs, steal cars or mug old ladies. She did what she came to do.

She gave her family and friends some fantastic memories of laughter and fun, so much laughter. She did what she came to do.

She was my soulmate, my best friend, the one. She was someone nobody can ever replace. She taught me about true love and how to be a man. I’m a better man for knowing her – She did what she came to do

I think this poem pretty much says it all…

A Legacy of Love

A wife, a mother, a great friend too,
This is the legacy we have from you.
You taught us love and how to fight,
You gave us strength, you gave us might.
A stronger person would be hard to find,
And in your heart, you were always kind.
You fought for us all in one way or another,
Not just as a wife not just as a mother.
For all of us you gave your best,
Now the time has come for you to rest.
So go in peace, you've earned your sleep,
Your love in our hearts, we'll eternally keep.

Rest now princess, you will always be remembered and you will always live in our hearts for as long as we live. I love you so much.

Goodbye My Beautiful Princess

My Sharon passed away at 9.55pm last night. I was holding her hand.

She's gone.

Just Married

Sharon and I are now married! She was awesome today. This morning the solicitor came to the hospice to help Sharon write her will. It was very hard for her, as she is really sleepy because of the anti-sickness drugs she is taking. One the solicitor left, she slipped back to sleep.

The doctor, nurses and myself were all doubtful that Sharon would even be able to make the wedding. The doctor changed the formula of her drugs to try to reduce the sedative effects, but none of us were really sure she would be able to go through with the wedding ceremony, booked for 5pm.

Then at 4.15pm, she woke up, and said, "come on then, I'm getting married... bring it on!". The girls turned up at 4.30pm and helped Sharon put her wig and make-up on, and bought a nice top over for her to wear. My friends had my suit dry-cleaned and bought it over to the hospice and at 5pm, Sharon and I got married. She was never one to say romantic stuff, and used to tell me "oh stop it soppy bollox" when I said romantic stuff to her, but I KNOW, she loves me. The way she rallied today to get up and get married tells me that. She was so happy.

The service was bitter-sweet, it was a goodbye for many of the people who attended, and a last moment of being happy and laughing with Sharon for us all.

Organising the wedding...

Been to the Registrars today, managed to organise a special dispensation on the Marriage so we don't have to wait 15 days to get married. Got the wedding rings sorted too.

When I walked back into the hospice I said to Sharon, "hey you, we is getting married tommorow!" and her face lit up, it was a nice moment. As she is so poorly now, we will not be able to go the whole nine yards, but her friends are coming over to the hospice tommorow to help her get ready, and I have got friends and family organising a wedding cake, flowers, buttonholes etc.

I'm really happy that we are getting married, but it should'nt be like this. I wanted so much more for us, and her cancer has stolen it all. But, at the end of the day, we still have eah other, despite everything, we love each other.

Moving Day...

Today, Sharon is being moved to the hospice. I'm so scared. Sharon is having a really hard time dealing with this, and we can't seem to be able to talk about it at all. When the time comes.

We are definately getting married, Sharon has chosen her dress and plans are afoot for wedding dress, bridesmaids etc. I have my doubts about whether we will be able to organise everything in time, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Just one day of making her happy. That's all that matters now, nothing else.

Moving too fast

Sharon has cancer in her liver. Usually, when a couple go for an unltrasound scan, it's for a good thing, checking out a new baby. For us, it was different. I held her hand, and stood watching the screen and seeing the cancer in her liver. Chemo has been stopped. Sharon has been referred to The Rowans Hospice for specialist palliative care, and she will moved to the Hospice as soon as a bed becomes available. The aim is to provide 2 weeks of rehab to help her control her pain and manage her symptoms, then she can come home. Everything is just falling apart.

I had to tell her 2 sons that their mum was terminally ill today. She just could'nt do it, so I did it for her. It was so hard.

I'm going to lose her.

Freefalling...

Everything is in freefall now. I am sat here, in the dark, in a hospital ward, with Sharon asleep in the bed next to me. We came to the hospital yesterday, for clinic and then chemo, but as Sharon is not strong enough for chemo, it's been stopped, maybe deferred, depending on Sharons strength. They have admitted her, probably until Monday, maybe more, because her calcium levels are too high and they are concerned about her liver function.

I was told on Monday "months, not years, - 6, 12, maybe 24 months" - Yesterday I was told the calcium and liver problems are signs that Sharon's condition is terminal, and we don't have long now. It just feels like everything is unravelling.

I was talking to one of the nursing staff about our wedding plans, and how my best friend will be unable to be best man as he will be overseas for the next 3 months, and she agreed when I said I felt we could'nt afford to wait that long, and that if we are going to get married, it should be as soon as possible, so we at least have a little time to enjoy it, and that Sharon is well enough to enjoy getting hitched.

One happy day, that's not too much to ask is it?

She is having real difficulties dealing with this. It's just blown her mind, and that makes this so much harder. She is so scared, and angry, but in true Sharon style, she is just buttoned up tight, and just not talking about it at all. If I try to approach the subject, she shuts down, becomes surly, angry and bitchy. I just want to reach out to her and drag her back to me, back from abyss she is looking into.

I know, that the cold truth is, she has to do part of this alone. But until that time comes, I really hope that she will find peace with herself, and come to terms with this, because if she can, then I can hold her hand and be there for her, with her, and I can talk with her, and tell her how I feel, because there are so many things I've not had the time to share with her

Life is so unfair

I've not posted for about three weeks, because Sharon has been so poorly. She picked up an infection after her last cycle of chemo, and as a result has spent 9 days over the last 3 weeks in hospital, and when she has been at home she has been so ill I have had to do everything for her, so I have'nt had time to make any posts.



Things are looking bleak now. Although when the cancer came back, her specialist told us there was a 20% chance of survival, I tried to be optimistic, but I got the true picture on Monday, when I had a word with one of the medical staff on the ward at the hospital, and I asked her to explain the term "palliative chemotherapy". I knew that the cancer was not curable, but thought the chemo could manage the symptoms indefinately. This is not the case.



Months, not years. That's all. Months. The specialist told me it could be 6, 12 or even 24 months, but not much more than that.



Sharon has not talked about what she wants if she does'nt make it, as she is still thinking it will all be alright, but one of us has to be practical. While I understand that her way of dealing with this is denial, I have to think about the future, for her sons, and for myself.



I tried to talk to her about this, and she asked me if the doctors where going to give her some news at clinic on Friday, and I said I didnt know, but then she asked me if the doctors knew how she has left, and I could'nt lie to her. I just said yes. I felt like I had punched her. I hate having to carry this and try to be strong for her, when I can't talk about it with her as she just cannot face it yet.



She cried, and I just had to sit there and be strong, and hold my tears at bay, as she needs me to hold it together. She is terrified. She does'nt want any more information yet, but I think she knows, deep down that things are not looking very hopeful.



She has said she wants me to take care of the boys for her if she does'nt make it. I have promised her that I will, no matter how hard it will be, I will be there for them, if she can't be.



All I want now, is for her to be happy, and if possible, to be well for a while, although at the moment, that does'nt look likely as she is so weak and poorly, and with more chemo tommorow, she will probably be even more unwell next week as the chemo does it's stuff.



We have talked about getting married, while we still can, so I am struggling to find some work to raise the money, but that's hard as I am spending all my time looking after her, but we'll make that happen, that's all we have left now, just a short time to be happy and together.



Life is just so unfair. I've waited my whole life for her, and now, after only being with her for 16 months, I'm told I'm going to lose her.

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One of the hardest things I've ever had to do...

Not been a fun day today, Sharon's hair has been really thinning over the last week or so (due to the chemo), and it's got so bad that she has been scared to brush it in case she pulls out clumps. As a result she has looked like she has had a birds nest on her head for the last few days and has not ventured out of the flat.

After waking up yet again, with hair all over the pillow, she finally worked up the courage to take control of the situation today and asked me to shave her head with the clippers. I think it must be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was so upsetting to see her crying as I cut all her hair, but it had to be done, as it was really affecting her morale.

Now she has done it, she says she feels better, especially as the black wig arrived yesterday, so she looks just like she did when we met, and she feels like she has got her hair back, but I think when she does eventually work up the courage to look at herself in the mirror without the wig she is going to find it really distressing.

How do I feel? Well, to be honest, it is shocking to see her with a very short stubble instead of a full head of hair, but I still think she is beautiful.

Chemo, Wigs and Mood Swings...

It's been a week or so since my last post, as I've been a bit busy. I've started my new job - although I turned it down to be able to help Sharon through her next round of treatment, they called me back and offered me the chance of working part-time and from home so I could keep my career on track and be there for Sharon. To be honest, I can't believe that a company can be so good to someone who hasn't even begun working for them, but it's a huge help, as we need the money, and it gives us both some time apart when it all gets too much.



Since my last post, Sharon has started her chemo. It's not nice. Although she has been through chemo before, this time it seems to be hitting her harder. The first couple of days after the treatment didn't seem too bad for her, but by the time we got to day 5 she was having a such a rough time I had to call the doctor out. She had no energy at all, she could hardly talk or keep her eyes open, let alone get out of bed. The doctor said it was to be expected, and that tiredness and fatigue were normal side effects.



I hate seeing her having to do this. Although this time, her family and some of her friends know, I still feel that no-one really understands how serious the situation really is. Her sons seem to forget that she needs quiet and rest, and just tell me to stop moaning when I ask them to keep the noise down, and although I think the world of them both, it is hard not to have a go at them for being so selfish, but I suppose it's probably better for them if we can maintain as much normality as possible.



Sharon's beautiful black hair has started to fall out, which is probably one of the hardest things to deal with. She has had it cut into a bob style to make it less distressing, but this morning when she was brushing it she started crying as a clump came out in her hands. She was panicking as she missed an appointment for a wig fitting last week because she was feeling so rough, and thinks that her hair is going to fall out before her wig arrives.



Then, this afternoon, we went to Portsmouth to have the wig fitted and at first it was quiet upsetting, but then after trying a few wigs on I think that she felt a bit better because she found out how "natural" the wigs were, and they didn't look "wiggy" at all. I think in a way, she enjoyed part of it, as she has often said she'd like to try having lighter coloured hair, but because her hair is so dark she couldn't dye it, so to be able to actually see how she would look with different hair colours was interesting! In the end she chose a black wig that really closely matches her hair as it was when we met, and that should be ready in 10-14 days.



As well as the black wig, she also chose a light chocolate coloured wig so she has something in case she loses her hair before the black wig arrives. I was surprised how expensive wigs are (the lighter one was nearly £200!) but to be honest, if it makes her feel better, it's money well spent, although I had to twist her arm to stop worrying about money and to put herself first for a change! I think she looks fantastic with lighter coloured hair, and said to her that once this is all over, she could wear it out on the town and be a glamour-puss!



It's very hard to keep her spirits up at the moment. The chemo has the unfortunate side effect of mood swings, which with some-one who is already quite fiery, makes live interesting to say the least. We have had a couple of rows this week about silly things, and it's nearly impossible to get her to "snap out of it".



I think the worst part of all is that we just don't know what the outcome is going to be, and, as a result, all I want to do is love her, see her smile, laugh and be happy, but because she is on an emotional rollercoaster, we have had a pretty crappy week, and I feel that every time we row, we are missing a chance to build memories, and as she won't let things go, I almost feel like she is "stealing" good memories that I could have in the future, if the worst happens and she doesn't beat that cancer. I know that sounds weird or morbid, but I cant help it. I just want every second we have together to be happy, that's all.

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Trying to be strong...

We went back to the hospital today, to get the results of Sharon's GFR test and so she could sign the consent forms for her next cycle of chemotherapy. That was hard. Last time she had to sign a release form it stated "disease management and possibly survival" as the reasons for treatment. This time it was simply "disease management".



Her next treatment is palliative, not curative, so it is purely to make her more comfortable and to keep the cancer at bay. I'm so scared for her, but can't show it. She is being positive, but I don't think she is ready to face the fact that she might not survive this. All I want is for her to be happy for as long as we have left.



I saw my doctor tonight, and he told me that I should not lose hope yet, and that although "palliative" chemo is unlikely to cure the cancer, it is still too soon to lose hope, and that although things do look bleak, it could be 6 months, or 10 years, there is no way of knowing.



I just feel so helpless. Sharon is my soulmate, I feel I have been looking for her my entire life, but now I've found her, we have to go through this. It's so unfair. I have been working so hard to raise the money for us to get a house, and for her to have nice things, but all it seems to have achieved is to keep the wolves at bay while we deal with her health.



She said to me last week, when we got home from the hospital after finding out the cancer had returned, that she would understand if I decided to walk away, but I can't. I love her, and I promised her the day she was diagnosed that I would be there for her, come what may. This is so hard, but it's easier than leaving her to go through this alone.

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A bit of a setback

Well, now we know. Sharon and I met with her specialist on Friday to get the results of her CT scan. It was horrible. We knew that something was wrong, but I don't think either of us was really expecting to hear that the cancer had returned somewhere other than where is started.



The specialist told us that the cancer has appear in her lymph nodes, and this is why she has been having the back pains that she has been suffering from for the past 2 or 3 months.



It was so painful watching her having to hear the news and how it is going to be dealt with. She has to go back for another cycle of chemo, this time with a mixture of two drugs, once every three weeks for 9 weeks.



I think the worst part of it for Sharon is that she knows that this time, she will definately lose her hair, which did'nt happen last time as it was'nt a common side effect for the drug they used, but this time, there is no way she will be able to keep her beautiful black locks. It's going to be heartbreaking watching her go through this again, but as long as she makes it, that's all that matters



The prognosis is not so good this time, only 20-25% chance of the treatment working. I just pray Sharon can stay positive and fight it. I just can't lose her.

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Trying to deal with the fear...

Sharon called me at work yesterday morning. She was crying. She'd just opened a letter from the hospital, saying an appointment had been made for her to see the specialist on Friday. So, it looks like the cancer has returned, as the specialist said we would not need to go back to the hospital for 2 months, unless anything abnormal showed up on the CT Scan results.

As soon as she told me, I turned off my laptop and rushed to get the first train back to Fareham. I felt so helpless hearing her cry and being nearly 3 hours away, and not being able to hold her when she needed it.

Today has been really hard, trying to be optimistic, trying to make light of the situation, and all the while dreading what the doctor is going to tell us tomorrow. I think the worst part is seeing her cry. Sharon has not really cried at all since her diagnosis 9 months ago, but today, it seems that all she can do is cry. It's heartbreaking. She is so strong, so courageous, and usually so tough, that to see her so upset is almost impossible to deal with. There is nothing I can do for her but listen and be there. I feel so helpless.

She's now laying next to me, sound asleep, which should do her good. I just pray she gets a good nights sleep. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, other than having to sit, feeling sick, in the waiting room, until called into the consultation room with the specialist and watching her be thrown back into the storm.

Please, let it be that the results aren't that bad, that there is still hope. Please.

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Still together, after everything...

Well, where to begin? It's been a hard couple of months since my last post, Sharon is in remission, on the road to recovery, and although we still rarely get a solid nights sleep, things seem to be getting better, at last!



So much has happened since my last post, it's hard to know where to begin, and with so much stress and strain it's hard to remember yesterday sometimes, let alone the last 3 months. It's still hard, we are still living the in the shadow of the cancer, but lately things seem to be getting easier.



Sharon is still suffering, she gets really bad back pain, which as yet, we don't know the cause of, but we think it's just the result of the combined chemotherapy and radiotherapy, as well as the fact she has not been drinking enough liquids. She had a check-up last week, after having a CT Scan, but the results were not ready, so no news yet - The specialist said that her back pains could be a sign of the cancer returning, but he would call us if so, if not, he made an appointment for her to go back for her next check-up in June. He told us he was having a meeting with his team yesterday, so we would hear from him if there was anything abnormal in the scan, but no call, so fingers crossed, this is good news!



It's so hard to watch Sharon go through this. As we were only together for four months before her diagnosis, we hardly knew each other, and we were forced together by the situtation. We have both agreed, that if it wasn't for the cancer, there is no way I would have moved in with her this soon, if at all, so it's difficult sometimes to know how best to help her, as we are still learning about each other, and with the health, and financial pressures, as well as family issues caused in the aftermath of her illness, it's a steep learning curve. All I do know is that I am crazy about her, and we WILL get through this. We just have to believe.



Work is looking up, I rejoined Streamcity in January, but commuting to London from Portsmouth each day is really hard, it's a 120 mile round trip on the train every day, and after being up half the night with Sharon, then getting the train at 6.45 am, I have been shattered pretty much constantly for the last 3 months! But, I had a result a couple of weeks ago, I was offered a great job, with a great company, just 2 stops down the track! So hopefully things will get easier. I start on the 1st of May, with www.jobsite.com as a web developer - They are the 3rd biggest recruitment website in Europe, and a Times Top 100 company to work for, so hopefully, it will be a good career move, and Sharon, Kevin, Lewis and I can start to rebuild after the hellish 8 months we have had. We are starting to save for the deposit on a house, but it's a struggle as we have got ourselves into debt during Sharon's illness and treatment.



So, all in all, things seem to be getting better, thank god. It's still early days, it's still a day to day slog, and we are both still recovering, but despite it all, we are still together - That's got to mean something eh?

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Trying again...

Well, try as I might, I just can't give up on Sharon. I love her, and have promised her I will do ANYTHING it takes to get through this with her. Things are still pretty tense, but no more or less than they have been lately.

More radiotherapy this afternoon. She is very tired, and has bad trapped wind and generally feeling like shit as far as I can tell, night-times seem the worst, sitting up with her all hours, rubbing her back when she needs it or massaging her legs when she gets "chemo-legs", which make her legs spasm and shake, and massaging them seems to help.

Her eating habits are shot to bits as well, bowls of Ready Brek at 3 am, Wheatabix at 4 am, and generally just picking at stuff whenever she needs to.

Enough is enough...

It's all come to a head. Just let rip at Sharon about everything, because I just can't take anymore and really feel at the end of my tether. It may not have been the most constructive thing to do, but it's been coming for some time.

So, I told her. I unloaded on her. No punches pulled, just full flight. Everything that has been niggling, every ounce of hurt, anger, fear and confusion thrown in one huge mess. She repeatedly took offense at everything I said when I tried to sensibly raise the issue of how we have been communicating lately and after a few unnecessary comments and total denial, anger and defensive retorts, I lost my temper and let rip

She keeps asking me, "who do I think I am?" when I ask her to try to maintain a civil tone of voice, and saying how "outrageous" some of my comments have been lately, so I threw it back.

Three nights ago, she said I was selfish. Selfish? No f**king way am I selfish. I am the only one whos has been there, every hospital appointment, every treatment, every sleepless night, every tear, every rant and rave! Selfish, I think not. So I told her.

On Saturday, I was trying to keep out of her way and get 10 minutes peace and quiet. She said to me "All I ever see you do is lay around on MY bed!" - Oh really? That's when I am not at the hospital, sitting with her at night when she can't sleep, or when I'm not doing housework, or cooking meals, or trying to make her more comfortable, not to mention trying to hold down a job, and make sure we are all generally ok. So, she's wrong. So I told her.

So, I am now the biggest shit in the world. She has gone to Radiotherapy on her own. I said some really harsh things, so it's dead. It's done. Over. She has told me to "get the f**k out of her house", and thinks that I am totally out of order. So, that's it. I've tried everything. I just said to her - "If there is an us, tell me, if not, tell me. I can take any of this, but not if there is no US"

This may all seem really petty to casual readers, but believe me, when you are living someone who seems totaaly incapable of speaking to you in a civil tone of voice, who is constantly critical of your every move, and is constantly rude insulting and abusive, it soon becomes impossible to take, no matter what the circumstances. Sharon may have Cancer - surely it does'nt give her the right to treat me like s**t. It would be more bearable if she had the same attitude with everyone, but it's just me. Because I am the only one who knows. The only one there. The only one she can lash out at. Or perhaps I'm just not coping with it myself. Who knows, right now - I've had enough.

I just want to go to bed!

Well, Sunday is drawing to a close, and things still are'nt any better. I have just narrowly avoided a row about why Sharon is not a coffee freak and how she does'nt like tiramisu! It just comes out of nowhere and when it comes I just try my best to bite my lip. As a result, I am now sat here in the lounge, when all I want to do is go to bed, but if I stay in the room with her, I will be subject to her angry attitude, and tonight, I'm just too tired to take it

We did have one funny moment today however. At 7pm Sharon's neice's 7yr old son turned up on the front door step - he had walked over 3 miles on his own to visit! As a result we had the chance to see Sharon's neice, for the first time in a while. Sharon did'nt explain why she has been out of circulation or the cancer though - I wish she would just tell someone, perhaps she would find this easier to deal with if she could share the burden a bit with a member of her family.